You say some pretty interesting stuff here. When I first read it I was thinking "There the LDr goes again. Making their reduced drive the HDrs responsibility!" After re-reading it though, I think you have some pretty big (and insightful) points.
I really think there is something to be said for being able to internalise one's "needs" and be sexually "self-sufficient." However, no one is self sufficient in any way. Physical needs must be met through food. Intellectual needs must be met through external stimulation. Many emotional needs must be met through interaction with others. Some sexual needs must be met through sex. It just gets soooo tricky because what is one person's legitimate need is another person's neediness.
You said: "For several nights, we cuddled in bed. My H gots lots of backrubs, we talked, hugged, kissed... both of us were tired and things didn't progress beyond that, but both of us felt 'satisfied.'"
Obviously, this turned out to be false. Either he is not communicating effectively, or you are not taking the time to try to interpret his communications.
I wonder a little about your discussion of "guilt" and feeling guilty. My wife has been struggling with this too. I tell her not to waste time feeling guilty but to focus on resolving our issues.
You are certainly right in that you have to do it together. It sounds like your husband needs to boost up with communication skills and I'll bet he probably needs to stop worrying about how you are feeling so much and start acting on what he is feeling (I have been mucho guilty of this).
Good grief, there is so much going on in this thread it is making it difficult to think!
