Hey kids! Let's see, in the book, I am somewhere around chpt. 6 or so... right at the end of the chapter about Hugging til you relax. Whatever that is.
I read at night, ponder, read some more, ponder, etc. So, no, I'm not blowing through it. What I think I'm doing is comparing what I learned in my own marriage counseling to what Schnarch is saying about intimacy and sex.
My C was very, very much like Schnarch, without the intimacy and sex component. So I get the differentiation thing, the emotional fusion thing, but how all that impacted intimacy/sex is quite a new concept for me. GAWD, it clears UP so many unaswered questions I had!!!!!
One of the things I am facing in my own M is that true intimacy can be experienced in so many ways other than intercourse. Intercourse is A way, but not THE only way. It is all that goes on during the process which causes or brings intimacy...
For several nights, we cuddled in bed. My H gots lots of backrubs, we talked, hugged, kissed... both of us were tired and things didn't progress beyond that, but both of us felt 'satisfied.'
A few nights pass, and all of the sudden, he is dumping on what we have shared in previous nights and starts complaining because all those nights 'we shoulda been having sex!' Well, no, we went with what was... if you want to have sex, then let's begin, but don't create a drama and an issue where none is needed. We created those scenarios together! So you are at a different spot today... leave yesterday out of it!!
Now, I could get all huffy about this, certainly, but it is not my issue. It is his issue. If I let it become my issue, I will be doing he AND myself harm. I see him struggle and it is very hard for me to not rush in and 'make him feel better.' But if he doesn't learn to grow up and take responsibility for his half of the relationship, we will stay stuck.
Too often I go in and rescue him by feeling guilty about NOT having sex... and there has never, ever been ANYTHING for me to feel guilty about. If he thinks for one minute that griping and complaining are going to get me turned on, he's got some painful lessons to learn.
I facilitate his need to fuse by feeling guilty. If I feel guilty, then that confirms I have something to feel guilty about! There is no feeling guilty in this -- we either take the time we need to develop our emotional connection or we don't... but WE have to do it together.
So now I am grappling with my own need 'to comfort,' and what the heck that says about me.
