Gordie #20: patiently living my life

[Gerda]

Gordie, I agree that you shouldn't go crazy with gift showers but only to protect yourself a little, so that you don't have to feel too much the pull of that expression of love. I don't think you can worry about what she thinks or deserves. And I don't think a gift should ever be about what someone deserves. That's not a gift, but a salary.

What I have always done on birthdays and anniversaries and Christmas is buy something extremely thoughtful (as far as being something I knew H specifically likes) that didn't cost much -- e.g., my H really likes good salt so I would buy a nice sea salt. If I couldn't bear to write a card from the heart, I would copy a poem by a poet I knew he liked and just write, "Happy Birthday," on the bottom. But sometimes if it felt right, I would write a line to remember a cherished memory or say that I am glad he is in my life. Before MLC, we used to write letters to each other on these kinds of days, and I wrote him a sonnet for almost every Valentine's Day and Birthday and anniversary. I don't do that anymore though I did write maybe one or two over the last five years, and they were not lovey-dovey but more about waiting. He never says anything but I see that he saves these things in his drawer. Along with his wedding ring.

One year I color copied an anniversary card he had given me and which I had saved. That is kind of a no-no in the DB world but it still felt right.

I guess what I mean is that I am more interested in pleasing God than my H or anyone else on this earth. So I think of an idea and then I pray about it or even try to find an answer in scripture. I might say the rosary as I think about it, or just sing praise songs as I bike around the city with that decision in mind. Sometimes I feel that God is reminding me to let go and let God so I do less or almost nothing. Other times I feel like he wants me to be a wife even if my H is not being a husband and so I do something very simple and understated but thoughtful, as described above.

My H's bday is on Monday and there is Father's Day on Sunday. But I just had to give my H money out of my savings and it was very awful the way he handled it. I was thinking about posting about it on my thread but so far I didn't as I am a little tired of hearing myself talk about it. But anyway, because of that, my idea of giving him something he really needed but couldn't afford is out the window as I can't afford anything at all and I felt that he was so wrong that I don't want to encourage that. But I also didn't want his bad choices to interfere with my ability to show care on those days, especially because I want my kids to always know that we show love and care on those days no matter what, unconditionally. So I bought him some little slightly luxury items I know he uses (coconut chips, candles) but only spent ten bucks for the bday and the same for Father's Day, and I will probably copy a poem for these since I don't think I can muster the care to write a poem or note from my own words.

I hope that offers one other outlook on that topic for you, my friend!

Oh and also I think you are handling the vacation thing PERFECTLY. Even if you W is weird and awful on the trip or after it, I think our kids generally prefer to have our spouses there. Just keep taking lots of long walks or other ways to have time to yourself, pray every morning and every night for courage to put God's way first, and I think that however it goes will be the best way, even if it's not what you would have designed. Just remember not to put a burden on yourself to do or say anything that will make it go better this time. That's out of your hands. Just keep being the amazing Gordie you are and let the rest happen as it happens and try to keep peace and trust in your heart. I have had to do these kinds of trips many times over the last 5 years, and sometimes it is awful but most of the time there are bright moments-- and if I remember to just keep the focus on the kids having fun and building memories that include a present and not absent dad, it goes better than if I worry about what I am doing or how what I am doing can change what my H does.

(((((GORDIE!))))))))