Quote: would she be able to maintain desire for them over many years. I suspect she could.
As the subject line says, desire is a funny thing, and it's much more complex than we normally believe. One thing I've learned recently, is that there are (at least) two levels of desire. The first is "desire from deprivation", and the second is "desire from fullness". Desire from deprivation is what you and CeMar are feeling - it's the frustrating, "I want it" feeling that comes from feeling an emptiness and wishing to fill it. It's also very much about reflected sense of self. We desire someone because we feel that they can "complete" us, because we have an emptiness inside us. We feel we cannot be "completely ourselves" without the other. That is (part of) what is meant by other-validated intimacy. Desire from fullness comes when we have a greater knowledge of who we are, and we get our validation of self-image from within instead of from the SO. We are standing on our own emotional legs, and the desire isn't so much to fill a void as to share ourselves with the other (intimacy). This is (part of) what is meant by self-validated intimacy. It is really complex, and I'm not doing it justice here. You guys keep asking if your W will be able to DESIRE you. I think the answer is "Yes", but I think it will take a different form than you would expect. If you both grow in your relationship, the desire will be there on both sides, but it won't be the same "desire from deprivation" that you're thinking of - it'll be something better. It will involve greater intimacy and trust, and with that will come a greater involvement with each other, and not only greater FREQUENCY, but greater QUALITY as well. But there's a lot of STUFF to get through first.
The other thing is, don't think of your current R problems as meaning something is wrong with your M. That's not it at all. EVERY couple experiences these problems, they are part of the natural PROCESS of marriage. The key comes in USING the difficulties to drive growth towards greater differentiation and intimacy. The book makes the point that a lot of couples back off from working on this, and give up (and get divorced) "just when things are getting interesting". I truly believe that now.
