Thanks so much for posting. I've spent some time reading through your thread from the beginning - a lot of similarities to my sitch, so I really do appreciate your insight. It's the first time someone not connected with me has given me an objective perspective (aside from my IC), and it is very reassuring to have someone on my side, saying nice things about me and the way I behave. I never really know if I'm doing the right things as a father and husband but I always just do my best. It feels good to get your validation - so really, thank you so much.
You are right of course, on pretty much everything. I shouldn't be pining after her, I shouldn't want to be with her any more, the way she has treated me, how much she has hurt me, the lengths she has gone to deceive me, and what I have discovered about her as a person. But my world only turned upside down 2 months ago, and I have only unearthed all these things since then. Before that she was clearly hiding how she really felt for a long time, and it had me fooled, so much so that I do still am that doting husband and love her, for all her faults. This just doesn't change overnight, but does dwindle the further we get from the BD, the more I detach and the more I see she is actively WAW. I will get there (and will need to), but am not there yet.
I can also see that she does come across from my posts as selfish, and putting herself ahead of our children, and I think probably she hates herself somewhat for feeling that way and for getting us into this situation where she is threatening our entire family environment. She knows that when the kids find out she cheated on me for over a year (and S17 and S15 will surely ask at some point and/or find out), that this will impact their respect for her as a person and parent - but despite all that, she still keeps saying she doesn't regret it. Is sorry for hurting me, but doesn't regret anything about the A. She can't help that her feelings for me have changed, and this has been the case for some time. Or at least that's how justifies what she has done.
She does love the kids though - I can see that when she is with them, the way she parents them (quite strict, but revels in their successes and progress) and this is what makes her decision to break up what we have so difficult. I know, I'm defending her when she doesn't deserve it, but I can also see things sometimes from her side.
I am also certainly not the perfect H, and what you don't see in my posts so far are all the things she has over the years had issues with me about. I know she has written me a note explaining her feelings (although she's not given it to me yet...), and in it she lists all her gripes about things I did or didn't do that were to her detriment, dating all the way back to before we were married. She has clearly harbored a lot of resentment all this time, as if to justify how she has treated me in the last year or so. She is clear that she did not resent my travelling for work, just that when I wasn't travelling I was everything to everyone else, not capable of saying no to family, friends, often to the detriment of her. This is to some extent true - I do try to please everyone and I need to work on that, but does that give her the excuse/right to do what she did? She should just have had the guts to raise this with me sooner and make it clear what I needed to change.
She also gripes that the last 10 years I have gone from strength to strength with my business, community involvement (football club, local charity role etc) whilst she has been SAHM and enabled my personal growth. So whilst we went into the marriage on an equal footing, both strong independent individuals, I have grown personally whilst she has not, and now we have a disparity between us. Also true - but I never once stopped her doing anything for herself or tried to control her in anyway. She was free to tell me she wanted to do things herself, but always seemed content and never raised concerns along the way. Again, convenient to raise now as more explanation/rationalization of her behaviour when it's too late for me to do anything about it. I think all this will require Sandi2's spew jacket when she does eventually share it with me....
Perhaps none of the above changes your perceptive conclusions about her Juju2, nor excuses her behaviour. But it does provide a bit of balance. It also explains how far gone she is (very) given this has been festering for a long time, and it helps me realize that this is probably a lost cause, which in turn helps me detach. And I'm doing really well with that the last few days, and I think she is noticing and it irks her, which is actually quite amusing.
Anyway, thanks again. Any more thoughts/reaction to the above welcome. And I will continue to follow your story - I think I'm on thread 3..!
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
