Hello all...I am not new to the boards..as I went through the D back about 12 years ago...I did everything wrong before finding this place. In hindsight, I might have been able to make changes that would have avoided the D. But it happened..she remarried and something strange happened, as we started to become friends again. Her 2nd M didn't last long.
We dated for a bit and then remarried 3 years ago, and as everyone says, we seemed really happy! Then, about a year ago, her mother passed away from an awful bout with cancer. She kinda went into a tailspin emotionally..became withdrawn. A few months of this and it seemed as if she were beginning to rebound some. Then she expressed to me that she was feeling "trapped" in our relationship. After several discussions and a few arguments, we basically decided to just "live as roommates" for a bit to see if we could reboot the relationship. So that's what we've been doing for several weeks, and it seemed to be working. I suspect there is an A going on, but I don't know at what level. One night last week, we were home alone and she seemed friendlier than normal, and although I haven't been initiating any hugs, kisses, etc. She was laughing trying to get her contact our and asked me into the bathroom to look in her eye to see if it was still in there...I kissed her on the lips..and she immediately pulled back some, then grabbed me and hugged me. Wow. So, no more of that then!
On Thursday she told me she was going to go away this weekend for some space. That's why I'm pretty sure there is an A going on. Funny thing is, before she left she was sending nice texts, like "Have a good day" and even told me before I left for work how nice I looked (guilt?) Fast forward to last night, when I was somewhat expecting her to be home. Then I realized she would prob stay until today (Monday) as she doesn't have to work.
HERE IS WHERE I MADE MY MISTAKE.
I sent her a text and just said that I was going to try to find a place to move. She said we could talk about it today. I immediately regretted sending that text, as I think being in the same place will help, since I've been LRT'ing like crazy the past 3 or 4 weeks. So when we talk today, how do I handle it? I was thinking of just simply saying "i've changed my mind" and going back to just being happy around her, as before. Any advice appreciated!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I sent her a text and just said that I was going to try to find a place to move. She said we could talk about it today. I immediately regretted sending that text, as I think being in the same place will help, since I've been LRT'ing like crazy the past 3 or 4 weeks. So when we talk today, how do I handle it? I was thinking of just simply saying "i've changed my mind" and going back to just being happy around her, as before. Any advice appreciated!
Just don't talk about it. Don't bring it up. If she brings it up just tell her you've changed your mind for the time being.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks everyone. We talked this morning and it was actually very civil and she seemed relieved that I had changed my mind. I tried to steer everything from R talk, but we touched on a few things and I think we both agree to stay in the same house but give each other space. Honestly, I don't think either of us has a clue as to what will happen. I'm certainly not ready to give up, and I suspect she isn't either. If this A runs it's course and I keep TLR'ing, things may turn better for us.
Ok, I posted yesterday but it isn't showing..so I will post again..apologies if the original one winds up here as well.
So yesterday morning was good...we are sleeping in separate beds but she brought me coffee in bed, which was nice. We chit chatted about the fact that our S16 is going out of town to camp for a couple days. Later in the morning she sent me color samples, as we are having our house painted. Then, she said she mowed the yard so I wouldn't have to do it this weekend (Fathers Day). So the day is moving along just fine. Later in the afternoon I get a text that says that she will be gone the next couple of days. Such strange behavior.
So here is where I am. I have been LRT very hard the past couple of weeks. Some things that have been said by her are:
I'm not here to work things out.
When I mentioned that perhaps we should separate physically, she said she didn't want to rush in and make any mistakes.
She also said that she was committed to trying to make it work.
I have not confronted her about an A, even though I'm pretty sure that is going on. Over a few texts she casually mentioned that her feelings were not being driven by someone else...hmm.
I have read enough on here to know I basically have 2 options;
1. Be direct with her. Tell her that if she is in love with this other person we both need to move on with our lives. Explain that even though she says she is committed, she isn't. Tell her that she has become unreliable as a partner and we'll be better off moving forward without each other. I know the ramifications of this approach, as everyone has pointed out it probably will be the nail in the coffin.
2. Stay the course, let the A fizzle out eventually and keep doing the LRT..then decide if she is at a point of trying to start a new R with me. And I know that this is such a difficult approach and will require a lot of strength, strength I'm not sure I have at this point..i'm feeling somewhat on my heels currently.
I'll prob get the paint colors from the designer today..do I send them to her? When she comes home should I be gone for a day or so? Stay dark?
Trouble is my emotions have hold of me now and I can't think clearly.
The thing is we had pretty much set up things to try to live together and see how things go, with no expectations or limits on the others behavior, so it's really hard for me to come down on her about the OM that I suspect...and other than intimacy, we get along absolutely fine..
Sorry, I guess I'm just doing some journaling.. Thanks for listening.
Ok, just a follow up. We just had a text exchange about some stuff with the kids, and kinda veered off into R land..I simply said that if she were with someone else and had feelings for them, maybe she should just move on. She says that how she feels for me has NOTHING to do with another person. I responded saying, you aren't denying it though..that there is another person..she said I'm not doing anything. Then said, if you mean working on you and me, you know I'm not going to do that.
So..she has stated she wants to stay as roommates basically and have freedom to come and go..what should I do...LTR? Give up? Help.
So..she has stated she wants to stay as roommates basically and have freedom to come and go..what should I do...LTR? Give up? Help.
This is what as known as cake eating she wants to be with OM when she wants and have her family life and security too. Stop all relationship talks, stop trying to read into what she is doing and saying and start to build a life of your own.
If I am reading this correctly she is now having an affair in her THIRD marriage? Serious red flags.
Sorry man but you better fasten your seat belt because you are in for the ride of your life.
Thanks, LH19. Yes, I assumed it was cake eating. I also think that you are correct in saying it's going to be a ride like no other. I think my plan is to keep LRT'ing, not for her, but for me...as I know that eventually when it does hit the fan, I'll be in far better shape..as many others have said, it's just a rough road. Thanks people, for being here to talk with. I will journal some tonight after work.
