Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind???

[Clyde]

Things are still the same, if not worse. I keep convos w/ the W at a minimal, she will occasionally try to make small talk, I will engage as briefly as possible, making sure I do not open the door for the convo to go any longer than necessary.

I have completely abandoned any notion that we may be piecing, going forward I am implementing sandi's rules, having a little more of my bearing these days I hope to be more successful in doing so. I already broke a few yesterday during a convo about finances even though I was dead set on following them to a T, clearly I took the bait the W was putting out there. I would of preferred not to have the convo w/ the W at all as I knew she would see it as pursing, that being said it was necessary as I needed to make sure she was aware of what I was going to do w/ the ins. $ from the truck, and I also needed to know if she was going to continue to help w/ household bills, (even though she already told me she would not help w/the mortgage).

As hard as I tried to keep the convo strictly on finances it was near impossible. Last week when the W said, "I'm done w/ the M", I told her "fine, go, whats your plan?". Anyhow, she brought up that if she is going to stay or go is a factor as to wether or not she is going to contribute to the household bills. All said and done, a definitive answer as to if she is going to contribute or not was not established... I swear I can carry on a more productive convo w/ my 6 YO!!!!

During the convo, she was pretty much saying it was her way or the highway, my response, "the highway is that way!". Then she would fall back on her excuses, twisted reasoning etc. during which I tried to validate when possible, but also held to my boundaries. Several times I tried to stop the convo by saying, "this is accomplishing nothing, we see it two different ways. I am willing to sit down in front of a neutral person and have them share their point of view, where I am wrong I will admit and move accordingly... you refuse to do so, you refuse to have any responsibility for any of the sitch we are in, that leave us right were we are, accomplishing nothing! So are we even having this convo?"

At that point she brought up how would we pay for counseling again. I again suggested we use some of her tax return. She said "nope, not spending the money on that, besides, I would have to miss work to go to C."....anyhow, I think you get the idea. my best efforts could not keep this convo on track, and in the end she ended up do more damage by saying stupid things.

Like I said earlier, I did not want to have this convo to begin w/, but we need to establish how fins are going to work, and having not achieved what I set out to do, now what? (I can tell she saw the whole convo as pursuing, she seemed extra chipper this a.m.) I can just tell her what she has to pay, likely she will be even less inclined to do so as it would be a request from me.

One thing that was gained by this convo, I now sit here with out a shadow of a doubt, without a single reason to think she is anything but selfish!

M: "So you refuse to help me w/ the mortgage?"
W: "Thats your responsibility, I help w/ enough bills."
M: "You realize we are nearing foreclosure?"
W: "I thought you were selling your bike, why don't you sell some of your guitars too!"
M: "Bike has been on crags list, I'm trying, even if it does sell that is not even a quarter of what we owe... as far as the guitars, if we really needed to I would, how about we start selling some of your stuff? Or you could use some of that money you are sitting on."
W: "I want the security of having that money in the bank."
M: "If we brought the mortgage current there would still be a good amount left in your account, what security do you have if we don't have a roof over our heads?"
W: "Why don't you get a 9 - 5?
M: "We've been over this a million times, I even told you last year I would get a 9-5, but we would have to BK, get rid of the house etc. etc... you said no, lets not do that"

Silence

M: "Tell me this, when those contracts I am waiting on o go forward, when I am busy again and money is not an issue, are you expecting me to go buy you a new truck, one that is nicer than your old one?"

She just sits there silent.

M: "Look me in the eyes and tell me that you are not expecting me to buy you a nicer truck with the money I will be making?"
W: "Well I would hope so, after all your kids are going to be driving in it."
M: "Do your kids not live under this roof? So then why can't you help w/ the mortgage? And as far as your truck goes, I already told you we would have any safety issues fixed on the one we have now, the body damage can wait to be fixed." You seem to go back and forth between "we" and "me" as you see fit, you cannot have it both ways!"
W: " I am done w/ this convo, it I'm having flashbacks of last year, we are sitting in the same spots... everything is the same!"
M: "Wrong, last year I told you I would do anything for this M, clearly you mistook my kindness for ignorance, I'm done going that route! The biggest difference between last year and now is that I am ok if you leave, I can honestly say I gave it my all, that I left nothing on the table! What we are living now, what you want our M to be, is not what I fought for, I'm done fighting for something that is hopeless".

I know some may say those final words were useless, I know I broke several rules through out the convo, it is hard when you are in the middle of it... anyhow, I will now back those words w/ actions. As much as I want to tell her to leave now, I have never truly LRT, in doing so if she comes around great (if I am even interested)... if not, I'm that much closer to starting the next chapter in life.