My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 2

[sandi2]

Do you really want to end all this b.s.? Do you want to know the secret of how to get your W back? Do you really? I can tell you in three little words. I don't think you'll do it, but I can tell the secret. Let her go.

You have had some of the board's finest members posting, and I have seen nothing in their advice that I really disagree. We will hang around and post back & forth, b/c this is what we do. I'm simply telling you what works with wayward W's. The trouble is the H. He puts up with all her nonsense and disrespect. He wants a solution, but he wants it candy-coated, like having a nice long talk about their MR and what each of them need. Those things are important, but they don't work as a solution when dealing with a WW. Those talks come later. Many H's want someone else to do the work for him, or get them to pressure her to stay with him. That's why some LBH's expose the A to OM's spouse, or turn to the WW's friends and parents. In fact, that is the reason you are so obsessed with keeping her folks informed, b/c you want them to apply emotional pressure that will make her stop her affair and shape up. I think most all LBH's feel this type of desperation when they fear they are losing their W. I can tell you something you might not know, this fear/desparation radiates from the H, and the WW can detect it. The more she detects your desperation to keep her, the bolder she becomes in her disrespect.

At the moment, your WW does not respect you as a man/husband and that's why she is playing around. Before you can find a solution to fix the M, you have to figure out why she doesn't respect you more. You see, whenever a woman stops feeling respect for her H, it kills the attraction. Just b/c she has given you sex recently, means nothing. It's pretty clear she uses sex as some type of manipulation, rather than an expression of love.

Waywardness begins in the heart when resentment has not been resolved or dissolved through forgiveness. When she can't settle it or work through it, she pushes it down and tries to just move forward. However, that resentment grows. In fact, it breeds. It eventually gives birth to disrespect. When she starts feeling disrespect, little actions will start to show signs. Her attitude, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. will cause the H to wonder what's up with her. He'll shrug it off as a "mood", and let it slide. Then she starts making little jabs at him in front of others. If he says anything about it, she'll claim she wasn't serious, or whatever. Eventually, she starts talking negatively about him with her friends and family. Signs of dissatisfaction, irratation, and a bad attitude, turns to anger, hatefulness, coldness, etc. The peaceful times get fewer and shorter lived. It seems as if she's in a bad mood most of the time. Actually, her feelings of disrespect are consuming her and changing her mindset.

Rebelliousness can be to any degree. Chatting on line to some guy, having an affair, or acting like girls gone wild is all her acting out the rebellion she feels toward her M and her H. In many cases, there are other issues in her life that she's rebelling against, as well.......but her anger is directed at her H. She blames him and the M for all her unhappiness.

Anyway, before the H can hope to gain his W's loving feelings, he has to gain her respect. Here's the thing about women. Their ability to feel love for their H, is tied to the level of their respect for him. Ain't that a kick in the head! Strangely enough.........or really, it's not strange at all when you realize how a woman is designed, the WW respects only one thing.......strength. Therefore, when she looks at her H, she doesn't want to see a wuss. She doesn't want some passive-aggressive, accommodating, nice guy. She doesn't want to see a mama's boy. She wants to see a real man........which simply means she sees a man who shows strength. She sees it in his interactions, decisions, actions, words, attitude, and his love. He doesn't tolerate her disrespectful behavior toward him and their M. He doesn't put up with her b.s. Even when she doesn't agree with him, and even if she gets angry.......she'll respect him for acting like a man with dignity and nner strength.

I read a statement by another poster about what he learned from his experience, and I'll amen it to the sky. "The LBH is never more attractive to his WW, as when he is walking away". So, my advice is to drop the emotional rope you have wrapped around her, and let her go. I think you'll see just how fast she grabs that rope, trying to lasso you and pull you back.