I got to agree with the others on the money. You need take control of the finances. Letting her spend your money (the family money) is a terrible idea.
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My therapist has been trying to get me to stop worrying about what W will do and just act in accordance to my values.
I think this is the key. Stop for a minute (or better for a few hours) and think really hard what your values are and how you act in accordance or in discord with them.
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As for the Lake Tahoe thing, I just realized it is possible that she may just be going with her parents
You are pursuing. Of course it is possible that she is going with your parents. Forget about this. If it tortures you, get rid of the shared account, unfriend her on Facebook etc.
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The harder question to answer which my therapist asked me is, what do I hope to gain from confronting.
This is key too. In general, it is best not to start a conversation with her, unless it has a very specific purpose (money etc.). In this case, it is even more important. Unless you have a very specific outcome in mind, there probably no reason to start this talk. In her eyes, she is entitled to this anyway.
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One cheeseless tunnel for me was to do all the chores in the house without asking for help.
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I stepped in as usual to cover for her. I think she's well enough to cook now though, so if she declines, I think I should set a boundary that I will not cook for her anymore.
Why? If the toilet leaks, fix it. Nobody likes that. Do not feel obliged to do chores for her though. I do not think you need to inform her (unless you have agreed before that). If she is upset about it, you can commiserate with her.
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I never did clarify to W that I would not fight a divorce if W files herself, but that she needs to file separately.
What is the purpose of that conversation? I agree that you should be prepared for such conversation in case she brings it up. I do not see any purpose of you bringing it up. In my opinion, do not do anything. Let her file, and then do what you think is right.
I do not understand what you will accomplish by confronting her about the affair. She does not want this marriage. As far as I can tell, she constantly tries to point out reasons why the marriage should end. The one reason she has not pointed out is the affair (probably because of shame). IMO by confronting about A, you will empower her with the biggest trump to dissolve the marriage. Now the cat is out of the bag and she can use that as another argument.
IMO, there are only two situations where you want to bring up the A:
1) You want D, and you want to make it her fault (I do not know why you would want that).
2) She wants you back and you want her back too. If she wants you back but you do not, don't bring the affair either.
