This morning I got up and went for an hour long walk, listening to a podcast, just to get moving. I kept getting flooded with beautiful memories of the two of us together. So much of the marriage was so good, and there was so much love - love like I have never otherwise experienced in my life. I started bawling as I was walking down the secluded path. It just hit me - how good I had it, what a beautiful thing it was that somehow got destroyed, and I feel like the finality of it being over is hitting me even harder now that I have left town.
Podcasts are awesome way to unwind, learn, and motivate yourself. I really got into them after BD and it's been really fantastic for my own personal growth and sanity. I am so glad to hear that you bawled your eyes out man. Shows that you didn't bottle up your feelings, but just let them out and allowed the body to respond accordingly. I know that whenever I have done that, it has been so cathartic and also helped me move on to the next stage in my healing journey. Continue to understand and approach your feelings with curiosity and let them have their time.
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I am getting worried more and more about the trip. All this time alone is hard to deal with. At home I had work, my commute on bike, my exercise, regular time with friends, a routine that was strange but comforting. Now, I just have acres and acres of time to think about things
Yes, having tons of time can allow your mind to wander and fixate. I did different things to just get my mind off those thoughts. Whenever I realized I was getting fixated, I would just listen to a podcast, go do something active, or just put on some stand up comedy on netflix. Anything to get your mind focused on something else. After a while you can then actively start reframing your thoughts towards other things because you've been able to distract yourself. It then comes naturally and you're able to let that thought pass much quickly.
Don't beat yourself up if it's a slow going on this. It does take time and as long as you're proactive about your thoughts and being mindful, it will get better over time. It honestly took me 10 months after BD to get to a place where I think less and less of her and the MR. That is also partly because I am excited about my future and my goals and wanting to grow more as a better person.
I don't know if I mentioned this to you, but on one podcast I heard something really awesome. At least it was for me because I hadn't thought about my life in that way. The speaker said to imagine you're at your funeral and someone is about to read your eulogy. What do you want to be remembered as? How will your kids remember you? your colleagues?
I wrote that down and that gives me a good goalpost to achieve. Gives me direction in my life and how I want to hold myself in this world. Also gave me the ability to have a long term vision rather than just being in the moment. I also realized that I had long term vision about all the trauma that I've experienced in the past and I could drudge that up any time to justify what I was doing. Why couldn't I do that for the future and imagine my future self and use that as justification for what I am doing in the present. It was a revelation in the sense that I realized I already had the skillset to do it, but I was applying it in the wrong direction. So, now I am correcting that.
Anyways, not sure if any of this helps, but just wanted to share how I am thinking and the tools that have been good for me.
Cherish the memories of this trip as well. Plan to look back at it in ten years and say that it was a defining moment for you because you focused on your growth as a person.
