My sitch, sounds so familiar to so many others that I have read an would love to have the support and advice as others have had as I feel so lost and helpless. Christmas 2017 was great, another really good Christmas . Then January hit, my W had just been promoted to nursery manager in February, some of her staff didn t like this and my W lost 3 senior members of staff in a month, then the Nursery owner (who W related to as a gran, passed away). Her father (who she only got a text off twice a year) got sent to prison, and she got a fine through about her car not being insured. A lot of big hits in such a small amount of time. She then head a really big brake down at work and came home and climbed into bed, she managed to get her self to the doctors and was diagnosed with depression. She told me and I started to try and understand what this was (I honestly had no clue, or experience with this).
Two weeks after being diagnosed, I had noticed that she had stopped coming home after her CrossFit classes until late, when she finished work she would head straight to bed and cut down all time with me and the kids. S6 - DD3. My sister was coming over for a weekend with her family and we don t see them very often and my W told me that she was going to watch a friend at CrossFit tournament, I was sad that she didn t want to spend time with us but put it down to strugggling with depression. She didn t come home until very late that night, I was very suspicious and paranoid. The following morning I confronted her if she had feelings for someone at the gym, and she said yes . My heart sunk and I felt betrayed. We went for a walk and tried to talk it through to help me understand, I got the ILYBNILWY speech . She agreed that we would try and work things out and that nothing had happened with OM, and it was just that he had suffered with Depression and could relate to what she was going through.
She carried on going to the gym all the time and going out with drinks with the gym friends, and when I txt her once to ask if she was okay, she replied and bit my head off and said I was paranoid and that I don t trust her. I have always trusted her , but if it got late I have always text to make sure she was okay, not to snoop . ( I thought to myself that I do have a reason to be paranoid after she s told me she has feelings for OM who is part of the gym friends). She asked for space around the house and I tried to give it to her but I was wounded and didn t give her the space she needed , I begged , I pleaded, I made so many mistake that I can now see (I didn t find DB until she had gone). A couple of days before my birthday in April she sat down so that we could have a talk, we had a talk about how she was feeling and the M and it felt positive, she then said I have to pop out for an hour , ask asked where and she informed me she had to set up a party at the gym, I asked who for and she told me OM. She didn t know at this point that I knew who the OM was (I d figured it out from some things she had said and checking her FB friends). I asked her if she could only be an hour so we could carry on talking. She came back after an hour but went straight to bed. The following day after a night of no sleep, I confronted her if OM was who I thought, and she confirmed it was but nothing was going on, she just set his party up because she was his friend, I asked if she had bought him a present or a cad and she admitted to buying a card,but hadn t got him a present. I wasn t invited to the party so had already arranged to meet friends, i was running late and it started to rain, so I asked if she could drop me off at my friends as it was in the way to the gym, she was very reluctant but finally agreed. When I went to get into the car there was a big white box on the floor what s that I asked, it s OM cake . I was so angry but didn t say anything as the kids were in the back, she then said she had to stop at a shop, she came out with a crate of cider (OM birthday present). I went out with my friends and got far too drunk and spent the night on the floor- where I had been sleeping due to her wanting space and finding it hard to sleep with me next to her. I left it and tried to get my head around it and how to confront her about it. Two days later it was my birthday and we were heading on holiday to go and stay at my brothers. I got nothing, no cake , no present and not even a card off my kids. I thought maybe she was saving it until I got to my brothers, but no, there was nothing. I kept quiet and talked it through with my brother, and his W talked to my W. The holiday felt positive and that progress had been made.
We got back after only three days away and she was straight back to the gym and partying with her friends, I lost it and confronted her and told her how upset I was about the whole situation and my birthday. She left and said she needs to go and speak to her family.
A week past and I had apologised for getting angry and believe that she s telling me the truth and that nothing is going on (denial at its worst). We started talking and she started holding my hand , no ILY but it felt positive. She told me she was going out again this weekend on Friday,Saturday night and then going to the gym all day Sunday as there was an event on, and I would have to look after the kids, I didn t argue as I didn t want to rock the boat and show that I trusted her. After she had gone out I called her Aunty for advice and she sounded so shocked to here from me, I explained about her going out and that I was finding it hard and she said yes but you just have to accept it when your going through divorce . What , I asked her if W had told her that we were over and she confirmed it, not only that she let it slip that W was going for a second viewing of a house to rent and had the money to put down that she had borrowed from all her family.
When W came home I asked if she was leaving me and she confirmed it, she said she never mentioned divorce and that she was just going to get space as she wasn t getting it at home. We talked and I agreed that if that s what she needs then I will support her. I didn t want her to but I can t force her to stay.
It took three weeks for her new house to be ready, the week before she left, I asked if she wanted to go the cinema as there was a film we had both been wanting to see. While there she asked what I had said to my dad about him looking after the kids while we went to the cinema. I told her since she is moving out on our seventh wedding anniversary, and our first date was at the cinema, it seemed to wrap our whole relationship up in a nice square sort of way. She cried, I cried, we embraced talked laughed and had a really good night overall, before she headed to bed she hugged me and wouldn t let go, she told me that she was having doubts and didn t know why she was leaving, I asked if she loved me? And she said no, so I told her she should still leave and get herself straight and hopefully we will miss each other and be stronger for it. I asked if she wanted me to help her move and she refused, she said OM has a van and if I m there it would feel awkward for her. She had refused having feelings for him anymore over the last three weeks. I agreed and she moved out.
I had packed a box of things for her, a small toolkit, a 100 recepies book, her favourite sweets and a few other things including a thank you card for being my W and all the great things she had given me. The following day I got an enraged text saying why I couldn t of been this supportive in the marriage, and lots of hate and venom came my way, then radio silence. We had discussed that I had become to comfortable and taken her for granted, but agreed that she had done the same to me with going to the gym all the time, only watching her stuff on T.V and then she would go to bed, but I didn t join her because I wanted to watch T.V too. We never argued (which I know see as a bad point as we both never really learnt how to express our proper emotions to each other), I don t do confrontation very well. W did do the longer hours but I did the house work, the cooking, dishes, washing, ironing , I bathed the kids and put them to bed and basically thought I was being a good husband. Over the years I had lost my social life as my W didn t get on with my friends and some were quite ropey.
I could see that our M had become stagnant, but never bad enough to be irreparable. After a few days of me texting and getting no reply she finally replied and told me the M was over, and that we had both died in our R and that s it. This is when I came across DBing and started reading other people s sitch s and realising all the common aspects of this separation and the OM. We text about the kids and have agreed to split them 50/50 due to our job commitments and this seemed to be working well. I ve been trying to GAL, look good, follow the 37 rules as best I can and stopped pursuit.
It had been 2 weeks since she had moved, she had caused some trouble by spending all my wages from our joint account, then sent me a text telling me her wages werent going in to our account, she said she hasn t got any money to give me back and things started to turn sour. 3 weeks after she had moved out it was my weekend to have the kids, she requested she have them all Saturday as she wanted to take them to a birthday party for one of the kids from the gym. I agreed and I could have them an extra day next weekend. The following morning I picked my kids up and in the car I asked how the birthday party had been, my S informed me that they didn t go to a birthday party and just stayed over at the gym friends house, he told me the boys camped in a tent outside and his sister and the girls slept in the living room and mummy and OM slept in the spare bedroom.
I felt sick but didnt want to quiz him over it, I could tell by the way he told me that he wanted to see my reaction. I told my mother and later I got a message from W asking me to tell my mum not to send horrible messages, she confirmed that she was seeing OM but nothing had happened yet, I informed her that our S knows and think it was disgusting and disgraceful for her to do that and not even hide it from him. She doesn t have the kids for half the week, so why take the kids away from me and then let him know about it. All I can think is she didn t have the bottle to tell me herself and has used him in the worst way to deliver the message.
So that happened this weekend, and this is where I m up to. I wanted to share, I ve probably missed a lot out as this has been going on for five months. I really wanted to get my sitch on here because I ve had so many questions, but have been to insecure to put them on other posts. I really love my wife, and refuse to just give up .
Thank you for reading.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/12/1804:18 AM. Reason: restored post
Me=32 W=29 R=12 yrs M=7 yrs BD 02/18/18 Dd=3 S=6 Other man confirmed 06/10/18
Hi , I just wrote out my sitch, it was quite lengthy. It s only showing up with my signature. Is it waiting for approval, or has it been lost in the matrix? Jus checking , I m not very technologically savvy .
Edit - I am working on it - IT IS VERY LONG - Have some patience and read the disappearing posts thread at the top of the forum
Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 06/12/1804:00 AM. Reason: restored post
Me=32 W=29 R=12 yrs M=7 yrs BD 02/18/18 Dd=3 S=6 Other man confirmed 06/10/18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
rawpain, first and foremost welcome. And sorry you are here. I have read your entire first post and feel for you. Obviously you made a lot of mistakes before you found DBing, and that likely accelerated your separation. DBing is a little like fighting cancer in that success rates are higher the earlier you catch it and apply DBing tactics.
You probably already know that your WW is lying. Likely she was intimate with OM very very early. In my sitch, my W had an online EA with a guy several states away. I had snooped and found hard evidence of what was going on. Pictures and messages. But before I revealed what I knew she still denied it. Said they had flirted and got to know one another. Why so many WWs lie so vehemently is anyone's guess. Maybe they aren't sure they want out of the MR (they think it is a phase that will pass), or maybe they want to spare your feelings.
In my sitch after BD my W became very affectionate for the first few days too. I think this is their way of easing our pain. She told me later "I thought you needed it." What? A mind warp?!? "ILYBINILWY", but "here let's hold hands, and sit close, and hug". Again no idea why they do this but many of them do.
Your sitch has progressed to a level that I really think you need to read up on the LRT and institute. Hard. WWs always give the line "I need space" or "I need to figure things out" or "I need to find myself" for the reason for moving out. In truth a WW moves out for one reason. It isn't one of those three above because they could do that in the marriage home. No, the only reason a WW needs their own place is so they can sleep with other people.
So you know what to do. GAL. 180s. DETACH!! LRT!!! And become the best rawpain that you can become. Become the spouse only an idiot would leave.
Your thread title is perfect. The journey is long and hard. And you will be tested a lot. You will make mistakes. Don't dwell on them just resolve to do better from that point forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Steve85 I ve just picked the kids up from her now, it s the first face to face since she admitted she s with OM. I held my head up high, spoke in a calm tone with a cheery note, and only discussed the hand over of the kids. While inside I felt my guts wanting to fall out of my body.Now that I ve done the first interaction I feel I can handle the next one too. I was dreading it all day.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/12/1804:59 AM. Reason: restored post
Me=32 W=29 R=12 yrs M=7 yrs BD 02/18/18 Dd=3 S=6 Other man confirmed 06/10/18
Hey Rawpain, thanks for sharing your sitch. I've been there, man, and know exactly how hard it is. Just want to say that this is a great place to come, and i didn't come nearly soon enough. Well, actually, i did, but didn't stick with it. Posted my sitch and then vanished for two months... two months that it really would have helped to be here. I know you are hurting now, and that maybe everything you do feels like the worst struggle you've ever faced... when you can even get up the moxie to "do" anything, but... Keep doing things. Read the DB-ing books, come to these forums and post, get out and do things that bring joy to your life, enjoy your beautiful children as they will never be this young again (and they love you!). And don't give up! There are a lot of good people on these forums and they are all rooting for you and ready and willing to listen and help.
Keep posting, hang in there, and God bless!
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
