A familiar story with questions. V

[RR17]

Thanks, Steve and LH19.

So in the process of taking some time to consider things. A version of this talk just kind of happened.
Sunday morning D15 left for the beach with a church group and we were left alone. After making coffee I decide that the time was right and I tried to initiate.

She stood there like a sad little girl and said: "I don't want to". I said okay, how come? who do you feel you are cheating on? She said she felt she was cheating on herself. I validated and a version of the planned discussion just slipped out.

She is not blatantly defiant these days. Nor is she very empathic. She listened and until the end when I think she felt some guilt. I felt heard. Some highlights:

She had previously described feeling held hostage earlier, so I used the same words to explain how I felt since she bomb dropped that she was moving out in May and now that May had come and gone. No update or anything.Blah blah..
She looked confused and I asked did she understand. She said it made sense but she never considered it.
I explained and reminded her that I had made mistakes and was sorry but had never hit nor cheated on her. That after all we had been through, why not communicate like mature adults and respect the feeling of the other? If you still want to go, why not tell me in a way other than an emotional outburst that I never know if it is honest or is just said in the heat of an argument. When you say you don't always feel heard, perhaps it is due to the delivery.
I also explain that if she felt that I didn't trust her, it was because she refused to take the steps to regain that trust from 4 years ago.
I reminded her that regardless of what happens with our R she would benefit from having my trust.
She said she wasn't even sure she knew what to do. BS, she never tried to find out either. Some sort of hold back punishment?

So a lot more was said and I stayed calm and tried not to sound too accusative. She listened, yet never seemed to feel the need to offer much explanation. But didn't respond with too many excuses either.

Like I said I didn't plan to hit her with this talk, it just kind of was drawn out.

We both pulled back yesterday but are cordial today.