On Sandis advice I have pulled back probably ten times in the last few weeks and it has really helped me detach and has been a huge 180 for me. I now feel I CAN live my life without her and can make it beautiful even if ATM i still really want us all to be together.
Due to family commitments I have been much more present at the house over the weekend, W seems much more receptive to me and eager for me to be there. I cant be less present at the moment because of both kids birthdays and going on holiday together in the next 10 days.
What I have been doing though is recognizing if I am doing something with expectations, and only choosing to do it if there are no ulterior motives. Its hard because often there are hidden contracts, motives and expectations underneath my actions.
Now im aware of that, I can just do my dad and husband thing for the right reasons, and incidentally her heart seems to have really started to soften. It has to be incidentally because I dont want to mind read why this is happening, but Ive really started mentally pulling back and losing expectation as this is happening. She is being more open when she talks about other people, not hiding her phone anymore, asking me to do things on her pc, and being happy for me to come to the house on my own.
She got upset last night over how s13 was treating her, which was the first time she had let me see her upset since BD. I managed to 180 this for the first time in our 14 year MR, and stood strong like a lighthouse, looked after the kids, and didnt go there with her. She came out of it and she apologized while we ate together. I dont need expectations about whether she noticed this 180, because i am really proud of myself for doing it and thats enough. As well as this board, i learnt it from the NGS book and in particular Steve Horsmon on you tube.
I know she certainly turned wayward around the end of last year, or possibly way before that. But I now think the fog has really started to lift. Im 95 percent sure she ended her EA months ago, I have pretty much followed all of sandis rules for 4 months now and like all lbs I cant help wanting to jump up and down and celebrate what i am seeing, but instead im voicing it on this board.
Thanks to this board I know I can now continue to keep my cool through any R talk she instigates. I have not dropped my guard and will not jump back into R too quickly or easily. From Sandis posts I know her resentment, disrespect and rebellion has to change, but I swear I am seeing them all slowly dissipate. I will hold out on our MR for true remorse and brutal honesty but I wont push for it all immediately.
LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18 D 11 S 14 BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18 3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18 I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes) ...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!