Seriously, man, i cannot say enough how spot-on Sandi2s advice is, here. I see alot of my own sitch in yours and alot of my own past behaviors in you... and im telling you you cannot do much better on here for insight when dealing with a WW than what Sandi2 and Artista will give you.
Two quick thoughts because i am hopping:
1)
Sandi2:
Quote:
Most times, this is a guy who never validated her in his life.......and suddenly he's validating his wayward W every time she opens her mouth? He's going to appear like a "Yes Dear" kind of H, which WW's hate. So, please be very careful about validating her. I'm not suggesting there is never a time & place, but just be cautious.
Dont know why this jumped out at me over everything else, but it just did, and is SOOOO true. I remember being in an early MC session with my own WW, while she was still fully in the throws of being wayward and was just going through the motions in MC to be able to say she did it (we had at least three "false starts"), and me saying a couple of "validating" things and thinking i was really smooth and her saying something like "You know, it really pisses me off now that you seem to know all the right things to say". Yes, it made her angry that i was behaving like the husband she said she always wanted. Beware, WW's make little to no sense alot of the time, at least to our logical male minds
2) Detachment. Detachment is crucial to DB-ing, but it can mean different things to different people, even as all true detachment has a common underpinning. Some will tell you, and such may have worked and even been crucial to them on their journey, that you need to completely separate yourself emotionally from your spouse, and not entertain any goals of reconcilliation or of rekindling with your spouse. To me, however, detachment meant (and still does) not that i needed to abandon all hope or stifle any desire for reconciliation, but, rather, that i needed to be at peace with all of the potential outcomes, even the ones that did not involve me reconciled in a happy MR with my W. This, I believe I managed, even though i did still actively pray, hope, and in some respect "work" towards the end of reconcilliation even as i was working on myself and becoming a man "only a fool would leave" as some on here like to say. A key component of that for me was my faith... knowing that whatever God had in store for me was good, and that He was constantly working on my behalf towards that end, and that i had to receptive of and subservient to His will in that regard. Without boring you with details i will say there were occasions where i know i did things counter to his will... and i can confidently say that those things did not move me or my MR towards a better place. Some may call that bunk... but i know better. Whichever, in the place i am now, and looking at the sitch academically, i find it an interesting dichotomy to the selfish, me-first, everyone and everything else be damned mindset adopted by most WWs. As did my own W-- a devout Catholic, very devout, who effectively turned her back on a lifetime of faith due to her waywardness. It was that foundation of strong faith in her earlier life that actually helped bring her back, though that was her journey and nothing i could say or do was going to hurry her along-- the few times i mentioned religion to her during that period she like to flipped out on me.
Finally this fundamental and powerful truth is one i know now from experience: She will never find you more attractive than when you are walking away.
Peace.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
