One thing I have learned is that we cannot make the other spouse be a good parent (whatever may be our definition of "good" parenting). The more we focus on their lack of involvement with the kids, the more we're likely to let that aggravation, resentment, etc., show to our kids. At this time in the sitch, the more you criticize her, the less she is going to do for the kids. It's unfortunate, but that's just how many WW's operate.
As an outsider, my heart goes out for your son. He probably knows/senses a lot more of what's going on than either of his parents realize. But at the chance he doesn't sense that there are issues between his parents........look at his mom from his point of view. She has stopped showing she cares if he gets his school work done, and she doesn't take part in his other activities......which, to him, must mean she just doesn't care about him, anymore. So, what does his dad need to do to help him?
I can't remember if your son is in counseling. If not, I think he needs to have someone outside of his family he can trust to share his feelings. He may protest against seeing an IC, but at least talk with his school counselor about the situation. If you speak alone, you might even tell the counselor about your W withdrawing her interest and how son is falling behind in his school work. Ask if the counselor will talk with your son and see if he will share his feelings. ask if the counselor will check with son from time to time.
If you can spend more one on one time with son.....maybe away from the home environment, I think it would help. Talk to him about guy stuff, or sports, or whatever he likes. Find something that interest both of you.....some hobby or fun activity. Father & son time shouldn't have to be spent in just talking. Anyway, this should help make him feel more secure, and strengthen the relationship.
Although you want to protect him, let him know he can ask you anything and you won't lie to him. I'm not saying he needs to be told the dirty details about his mom. I'm saying if he asks, tell him there are problems between you and his mom. Don't say bad things about his mom, but don't try to cover up everything, either. If it's private, tell him so. If he asks if there is going to be a D, tell him you hope not. That's better than trying to make him think everything is honky-dory. Even if you tell him you don't know the answer......at least, he'll know you are being honest with him. That goes a long, long way with kids. He will trust you to be straight with him in the future.
I believe the more connected he feels to you, the more he'll step it up with his school work. When you ask him about his school work, do it in a way that shows him you are interested.......rather than just from an authority position. Don't just wait to see the final grade and then confront him about the problem. Make sense? You may not have as much time as his mom, but you can at least ask him if there is anything you can do to help him. Show daily/weekly interest in his studies, what is due, etc.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
