Hello, I stumbled across the DB site after trying to figure out how to save my marriage. I've ordered both the DB and the DR books from amazon, but didn't really want to wait to read them to start getting some advice.
Me: 46 Wife: 42 Married: 20 years Together: 23 years 4 kids
Have just had that feeling that something isn't right. She's been distant and cold. Sex life is dependent on my initiating, lately been feeling like it's a burden to her, so i've stopped. Nothing worse than feeling like having sex with you is a burden to your wife. Just noticing a different vibe from her. Not hostile, but certainly not pleasant.
Have had this feeling once before back a couple years ago. Did some snooping and found out she was texting a married guy from her work. I confronted and she admitted to some flirty texts, but not to an EA or a PA. I think i discovered it before a PA, but told her that i considered it a EA because she did it behind my back and deleted the texts because she didn't want me to see them. Went to MC for a couple months and made some progress. Things got better, even great for a while. I think she finally understood that the concealment was betrayal enough to ruin our marriage.
Lately, like i said, i've been having that feeling again that something was up. So I started snooping again and found an odd phone number with a bunch of texts. Used spokeo and was able to find out it was a cell number from a guy at her work. Now, this is an older guy, that I couldn't see her being into, but i confronted anyway. I asked her whose number it was, and she told me it was her friend "Tammy". I told her i knew whose phone it wasn't Tammy's and she then proceeded to tell me that this guy had loaned phone to Tammy because she was getting ready to file for divorce from her husband and was using the phone to send evidence to the attny since her husband monitored her phone usage. Next day, Tammy called me from that number and filled me in with what was going on with her and her husband. Tammy has since filed for divorce, and my wife has changed the password on cell phone account so i no longer have access to her, mine, or any of the kids phone records.
Tried to have a heart to heart with wife. Talked about many things including sex life. Said she was just in a spot where she didn't desire it. When we did it, she said it was good but just was experiencing low desire. Ok, maybe it's a phase I thought, but soon stumbled across some new lubricant stashed in a drawer that wasn't there earlier in the day. I found a bag with the lube and some used wet wipes. I knew that had to be put there while I was at work as I was in that same drawer in the morning and it wasn't there when i left, but was there when I got back home. I confronted and asked if she was cheating. She said no, I told her about the lube and used wet wipes (we don't have wet wipes in our house). She says she just moved the bag from her car into the house. I asked what she was cleaning up & she admitted to masturbating in the car. But it was a long time ago. She just forgot to get it out of her center console. Problem in the wet wipes were still moist... I'm totally confused and certainly not feeling very trusting at this point. I let it go for a while but just couldn't get the uneasy feeling to go away.
I know she is spending an inordinate amount of time with this friend that's going through a divorce and am worried that there is much man bashing going on. In fact, they recently had a work party that I know is attended by others spouses, but I wasn't invited this year, when she came in very late she admitted to ending up back at the head man-haters house after the party. Very toxic woman who's husband cheated on her and she goes out of her way to bash him every time i've been around her. Pretty confident wife is getting plenty of anti-marriage advice from these "friends". So, the lack of communication, staying out late with friends, very little interaction other than the day to day operational stuff when running a household, I snapped and made what was probably a fatal decision. I hid a motion activated camera in our bedroom hoping at best to catch a conversation that might better explain our current sitch, or at worst catch her cheating. Two days after setting up the cam, I get a motion alert on my phone while driving home from work, I pull up the live feed and there is my wife laying in bed, masturbating & looking at porn videos on her phone. At the time i was so turned on that I didn't even think to be upset. She finished her business shortly before i pulled in the driveway. I went in and tried to act a bit romantic and she was completely standoffish. Said she was sick and didn't feel well. I said "oh, you don't feel good, huh?" The look on my face must've given me away as she knew something was up and went straight to our room. About an hour later she came out and said she was hungry. Earlier in the day we had planned to go out to dinner with the kids, so I loaded everyone up and away we went. She didn't talk to me all night. Not a word. Later that night I went to our room where she was hiding and asked her what was up. She beat around the bush that nothing was wrong. I again mentioned that I was concerned about our marriage and that she seemed distant and I am just trying to make this work. She couldn't hold back, told me she had found the camera. Was obviously furious, & told me she didn't want to talk. Days past and every time I tried to talk, she said she wasn't ready. Said she didn't know where we go from here. Said that it's obvious that I don't trust her and she doesn't know how to change that. I said how about talking about things. Maybe a little affirmation that things are going to be OK. She said nothing. Asked if we needed to go to marriage counseling, she said "she didn't know"... "Tried that already". So I back off. Spent several uncomfortable days & then she leaves for a planned vacation with 3 of our 4 boys. She's been gone for several days, is due back middle of the week and communication has been sparse at best. Expecting a sit down when she comes back. I know that invading her privacy like that was way out of bounds, and she has a reason to upset with me. That being said, if i had caught her doing something else i doubt i'd feel bad at all. At times I catch myself wondering if she's so upset about my snooping because she knows i'm eventually going to catch her?
So, what advice would you give me? Do i continue to bounce along acting normal, taking her out to eat, etc? Or do I get proactive and start to detach? What would you advise someone that is pre bomb drop?
Sorry if any of my post is off limits. Just felt that hiding details because they might not be "appropriate" would be counterproductive.
