Hi - I ve been following a number of threads for a few weeks, doing all I can to follow the advice, and felt the time was right for me to add my own story and seek some personal guidance as I am in similar position to many on here. Forgive the long post - just thought I d set the scene properly.
My W and I met at work, had a difficult dating period as we come from different religious backgrounds and my parents were very much against our relationship for that reason. I left and came back a couple of times, and really struggled before deciding my feelings were more important than theirs and we eventually got married out of the country with only her parents and sister present. My W then went through a religious conversion for me, and things with my parents settled down quickly.
We had children (3 in 5 years), she stopped work after S15 was born, and I continued as the main breadwinner. I was made redundant in 2008, but used it as opportunity to start my own business with some ex-colleagues and this has gone from strength to strength over the last 10 years. We have been successful professionally and financially, and this has enabled me to give my W and kids all the nice things in life, which is all I ever wanted. Them all to be happy. All the kids are well grounded, and although lucky to have the nice things, do appreciate what they have. We have been good parents and people say we have brought up lovely children.
A key part of my business-building period involved a lot of hard work (late nights, long conference calls over the weekends and on holidays), and also a lot of overseas travel on my part, even when the kids were young. Whilst this was difficult for me being away from them all, it was obviously tough for my W who did cope admirably. She is a great mother even if she finds it hard at times.
Over the last few years, I had (sub-consciously) noticed our relationship becoming more and more platonic - managing our business jointly, dealing with kids-related issues, usual household drudgery, but no real energy to work on our own relationship. I figured it was because I was away a lot, so to try to improve things, I was always the one suggesting date nights, or weekends away, which she agreed to but always seemed to be going through the motions. She showed me less and less affection (I was always the one initiating ILYs and kisses goodbye etc), and intimacy fell to a minimum. Looking back with hindsight, this had been going on for maybe 5 years or more.
In Sept 2016 we took on a large house remodeling project. More stuff for us to focus on between us that wasn t relationship. When it finished my work and travel commitments continued to be very busy. We did have family holidays in the summer and winter of 2017, but before and after the latter, I noted more acutely that my W was going through the motions more and more in our relationship. Making little effort to interact, strained conversation when it was just the two of us, no pleases and thank yous, not comfortable getting changed in front me of me, taking herself to bed early etc. I know.. all the signs. But this was a whole world I was not familiar with and so I just put it down to general relationship fatigue / time of life or something similar. I still blindly had every confidence in our relationship and figured we d work through whatever it was that was different.
From the beginning of January 2018 things started to get more and more untenable. She was short with me, nothing I did was every right, or appreciated, and the keeping herself to herself, particularly in the bedroom, was becoming even more overt. With her 50th coming up, I had organized and paid for a weekend away for her and 3 girlfriends - I often had ski trips with my friends so I was pleased for her to do that, even if I was a little upset she didn t want to spend the time with me. And although she doesn t really like big party/social events she reluctantly decided she d like to have a small party for close family and friends to celebrate, and I organized and paid for all of that too. No gratitude or thanks were offered from her for either of these events (and still not). Nor for any of the presents I had arranged for her from me and from the kids.
It was whilst she was away on the girls weekend in early March that I started to suspect an A. We both had trackers on our phones, mostly to see where the kids were, but whilst she was away, my curiosity got the better of me and I snooped. Nothing untoward until the last night when it seemed like late at night she went to a different apartment building to her hotel for 1.5 hours, before returning. It couldn t be true? Must be an error on the GPS these things do happen. It wouldn t be likely she met someone there and had a late night rendez vous. And she was with girlfriends who surely would have stopped that. I shrugged it off, but was now very suspicious and looking for the signs.
I started to snoop - on her phone and browser history. And eventually, in mid April I saw a search for a local hotel and also a phone number for a hotel group. Two days later she said she had plans and would be out for the afternoon, and could I be in for when D12 was dropped home. D12 was late so I looked up on the tracker where she was and saw W was at this hotel. I drove there, saw her car and wasn t sure what to do. I left and decided not to confront her just yet. I didn t sleep all night, but then she rose early and headed up to see her parents the next day, spontaneously, taking D12 with her. I texted her that we needed to talk about the hotel. She called me later and said she took a wrong turn, was actually on her way to see a counsellor as she was struggling with our relationship and needed help. I knew she had lied, but said we should speak on her return. I had a sleepless weekend, and then we had a long chat when she was back when she told me she had been feeling like she needs space for a long time, not feeling like being intimate with me and was not sure if she wanted to be married any more. I asked her if she was seeing someone else - she said no, it was about needing space. Again, I knew she was lying, but I let it go. I was devastated, taken completely by surprise (I had missed all the signs, like we do..), and my head was in a spin.
The next 2 weeks were uncomfortable all round - we tried to act normal around the kids, W went to her IC and I found one to go to myself to share my suspicions and to try to figure out how to cope with the lack of sleep and angst. But things just weren t right, and after a night out with friends at the end of April, I spent all night cross checking her phone records with my own diary and boom. Perfect match of my absences with communications to a particular number - stretching back nearly 12 months! The number was for an OM who had been working on the house. I raised it with her the next morning before the kids got up, and she admitted to it. She said she was sorry for hurting me, but did not regret it at all. She had found a spark with OM, it was something that had been missing between us, she says she hadn t felt like being intimate with me for a long time (maybe 10-12 years), felt we have drifted apart, was happier when I m away, and she was longing for her independence. Pretty unequivocal really.
So for the last 6 weeks I have been going through the stages of grief and learning more and more about my WAWs feelings. We ve each spoken to lawyers, talked about mediators, and were apparently heading swiftly towards S or even D, but then a couple of weeks ago realized we both felt it was moving too quickly and decided to slow down to really think things through. We explored trial separation and joint counselling, which I said was only worthwhile if it was something she was really engaged with and there was no OM involved. She always went silent at the mention of him. Says it all really.
All the while we have been living under the same roof, in separate bedrooms trying to keep it from our kids whilst we work things through. For sure S17 and S15 suspect something is up, but they are not saying anything. D12 is blissfully unaware, and no one else knows (except W s sister and my father and sister who I confided in for support only). W knows this is a life-changing moment, and feels unable to pull the trigger knowing that it would in an instant destroy everything we had made together and change the kids lives for ever. But she is clear that if it wasn t for everything else , she wouldn t be in a relationship with me.
It s tough at the moment, being in limbo, particularly trying to act normal around the kids and other people. But I feel I need to give her time and space to reach her own decision. This is of her making and I don t feel I want to rescue her and make the decision for her. I do still love her, and have told her that is she s prepared to have no contact with the OM and to go to counselling together I would be too. But the extent of the deceit and betrayal, coupled with some of the things she has said to me about how she feels, means it has become easier to detach over the last few weeks and prepare myself for what I feel is the inevitable separation.
I think I m doing all the right things at the moment - being civil to her and helpful in a normal way, still helping around the house, being the best dad I can be to my kids. But also doing some of the LRT and detachment work I know you all speak about as important. She has noticed, but I don t think cares what I am doing. Nevertheless, I think this is important given we aren t in the open yet, and whilst there is a (slim) chance of a reconciliation, I am maintaining a positive attitude and making changes in my life with regular exercise, taking up swimming again and trying hard to get out more.
She is seeing our couples counsellor tomorrow on her own with the idea to speak specifically about the intimacy issue and see if she feels it is something she can work on. She tells me losing desire for a partner has happened before in earlier relationships so perhaps with help and time it can be worked on. The plan is to go to counselling together if she feels its something she really believes she wants to do and can stop all contact with the OM. I don t hold out much hope. I personally think she is just doing this to be able to say she tried, before finally pulling the trigger, but we ll see. All the work I have done in the last 6-8 weeks has really helped me get my head together (including reading on this site), so I think I m prepared.
Ok, well sorry again for the rambling... If you've managed to get to the end of this.. well done! Any thoughts/questions/suggestions all welcome. And I ll keep you posted as things evolve in the coming days. I think we are heading towards telling the kids before the end of June, but perhaps I m wrong..
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Discovered A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Discovered identity of AP 04/29/18 Separate rooms 04/29/18
Last edited by Cadet; 06/11/1804:31 AM. Reason: restored post
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks Cadet. Will read through the materials you suggest.
Any reason you took a whole chunk out of my post? Can I put it back into another post?
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Thanks Cadet. Will read through the materials you suggest.
Any reason you took a whole chunk out of my post? Can I put it back into another post?
Check it now - I think I FINALLY have it all, please read the disappearing posts thread at the top of the forum.
Yours just took me over 30 mins to figure out how to fix, it is possible that I lost some of it along the way, but I did my best, hopefully it is all there.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks Cadet. All good. I'll keep posting and take a look at the book as you suggest.
It's not an easy time, and like everyone on the site, I experience better and worse days. No matter how much I think I have my head together and detach, I am still only 6 or 7 weeks post BD, I am still living with my wife pretending nothing has changed for the kids benefit whilst she decides whether to stay or go. I still see her every day, and so do have moments when I think I would still love to work things out. I have momentary lapses as we co-parent our children and are acting normal and I forget we are both pretending, just for a moment. I know I shouldn't let myself get sucked in, but its tough.
I still snoop and know that although she is going through the motions of seeing IC, she is also planning her independent life. And its a reminder that I should just stick to the plan - LRT/detach, GAL... I know the drill. Just need to keep focused. If she comes to her senses, great. If not, I'm a better person for having gone through these emotions and made changes for myself.
That's all for now. Would love to hear from anyone who has had similar experiences in limbo - it's so difficult and really can't go on much longer. I hope...
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Cadet - I did a quick reply but it didn't seem to get registered. Do you see it and can you post it?
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Cadet - I did a quick reply but it didn't seem to get registered. Do you see it and can you post it?
Yes you are on moderation and will likely get off of it soon, however now your posts do not come out till I approve them. So if I go to dinner or sleep or drive somewhere in my car, guess what.
So my W had her counselling session today. The one with our couples counsellor to explore her own feelings about intimacy and to see if it was worthwhile us then continuing with couples therapy, the two of us. She put the session in her calendar (that I also see/share) as a session with her own IC, so I wouldn't know this was the session she and I discussed that she should have to help her decide if we had a way forward. But I am using snooping for information gathering purposes and to help me be better prepared, so I was aware of precisely where she was and who she was with.
I also know she went from this session to do a tour of some properties for sale in a neighbouring town, then I'm pretty sure she had a short rendez-vous with her OM and I think she met up with the mum of one of D12s friends who I know is also going through marital difficulties. No doubt to swap stories. Then back home. What a lovely few hours she had scheming.
And not a word to me afterwards about anything except on matters relating to the kids or school. Nada. But what it confirmed to me is, no matter what the content of her discussion with the CC, she is clearly still on her way out, and it is just a matter of time before she summons up the courage (because I think that's all that is stopping her) to tell me she thinks we should separate. Could be tomorrow when the kids are at school, or she may reflect on it some more and leave it a few more days, but its coming, of that I'm sure.
Whenever she decides to do it, I'm sure we will decide together that we will wait a week or two before telling the kids, because we still have a lot to work out (what to tell them, what living arrangements will be etc), but also because S17 has a fair amount of stressful high school activity going, all of which should calm down towards the end of the month. And we don't want to cause he any more anxiety at the moment.
It is also S17's birthday this Friday. The fun never stops..
I am actually taking him out very early in the day to go visit a school that he is thinking of applying to when he leaves high school. No doubt W will use the time whilst I'm out of town to see the OM and continue her planning/scheming. We'll be back that evening and she'll be acting all normal and smiley to celebrate with S17, and I will have to suck it up as usual.
I do just feel like a doormat. Whilst I am continuing to practice a form of LRT the best I can, and focus on me and the kids, she is the one holding all the cards, continuing to make arrangements with OM and making decisions on us. I know....that's on purpose from my perspective. No initiation of R talk, keep jovial, keep upbeat, but still, I'm really just a spectator in my own marriage and it is some kind of torture that I'm letting this play out in front of me without seeking to influence anything.
Anyway, the R conversation is coming. Anytime now. And I'm ready for it. I've told my sister and my Dad that I think that is the case. I haven't told either about OM, just that we have grown apart and W is deciding whether she wants to work on the marriage or not. I didn't want to prejudice their view of her in case we decided to try to reconcile, plus I was trying to contain things as much as possible. But they do suspect, and actually my sister (who is a psychologist) let me know that she thinks I'm not telling her everything, and if what has happened is what she thinks has happened (i.e. W in an A), then even if we do try to reconcile, the trust will be so hard to rebuild, it may well break us. Quite insightful given I gave her little information to go on. She's probably right, but I would have been prepared to give us a chance if W was prepared to do so. As I say, I just don't think she is though.
Anyway, enough for today. More tomorrow, when maybe there'll be something to report on the R discussion. Or maybe there won't. Stick with me... it's going to be fun ride. And any thoughts/guidance/words of encouragement all welcome.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
I know guys like you. My brother is a guy like you. Successful. Loyal. Works hard to provide for his family.
Unfortunately, you married someone that is spoiled and has absolutely no idea what a good partner is. Your wife has financial security, 3 healthy children, time and opportunity for leisure and vacations, and a doting husband. Not enough for her though? She wants more. She feels entitled to more.
What makes her so deserving of this?
Why are you pining for someone that is disloyal, unappreciative, spoiled, deceitful, and uncommitted? Someone that puts herself over her own children?
She cheated on you. Cheating exposes you to physical risk. A physical risk you don't have the choice to make. Not to mention the emotional damage it does to you.
Cheating on a spouse does emotional damage to the children as well. They sense it. Read these forums. They act out in scary ways. Suicide, eating disorders, behavioral issues. Anyone that cheats on the father/mother of their children is not a good parent. They are extremely selfish.
My point is, you have value. She does not. She is not a prize. I would never want to date a person capable of cheating.
Know your worth. You are a good partner, but should be with someone that deserves you.
