WAW - managing limbo period

[40free]

Hi - I ve been following a number of threads for a few weeks, doing all I can to follow the advice, and felt the time was right for me to add my own story and seek some personal guidance as I am in similar position to many on here. Forgive the long post - just thought I d set the scene properly.

My W and I met at work, had a difficult dating period as we come from different religious backgrounds and my parents were very much against our relationship for that reason. I left and came back a couple of times, and really struggled before deciding my feelings were more important than theirs and we eventually got married out of the country with only her parents and sister present. My W then went through a religious conversion for me, and things with my parents settled down quickly.

We had children (3 in 5 years), she stopped work after S15 was born, and I continued as the main breadwinner. I was made redundant in 2008, but used it as opportunity to start my own business with some ex-colleagues and this has gone from strength to strength over the last 10 years. We have been successful professionally and financially, and this has enabled me to give my W and kids all the nice things in life, which is all I ever wanted. Them all to be happy. All the kids are well grounded, and although lucky to have the nice things, do appreciate what they have. We have been good parents and people say we have brought up lovely children.

A key part of my business-building period involved a lot of hard work (late nights, long conference calls over the weekends and on holidays), and also a lot of overseas travel on my part, even when the kids were young. Whilst this was difficult for me being away from them all, it was obviously tough for my W who did cope admirably. She is a great mother even if she finds it hard at times.

Over the last few years, I had (sub-consciously) noticed our relationship becoming more and more platonic - managing our business jointly, dealing with kids-related issues, usual household drudgery, but no real energy to work on our own relationship. I figured it was because I was away a lot, so to try to improve things, I was always the one suggesting date nights, or weekends away, which she agreed to but always seemed to be going through the motions. She showed me less and less affection (I was always the one initiating ILYs and kisses goodbye etc), and intimacy fell to a minimum. Looking back with hindsight, this had been going on for maybe 5 years or more.

In Sept 2016 we took on a large house remodeling project. More stuff for us to focus on between us that wasn t relationship. When it finished my work and travel commitments continued to be very busy. We did have family holidays in the summer and winter of 2017, but before and after the latter, I noted more acutely that my W was going through the motions more and more in our relationship. Making little effort to interact, strained conversation when it was just the two of us, no pleases and thank yous, not comfortable getting changed in front me of me, taking herself to bed early etc. I know.. all the signs. But this was a whole world I was not familiar with and so I just put it down to general relationship fatigue / time of life or something similar. I still blindly had every confidence in our relationship and figured we d work through whatever it was that was different.

From the beginning of January 2018 things started to get more and more untenable. She was short with me, nothing I did was every right, or appreciated, and the keeping herself to herself, particularly in the bedroom, was becoming even more overt. With her 50th coming up, I had organized and paid for a weekend away for her and 3 girlfriends - I often had ski trips with my friends so I was pleased for her to do that, even if I was a little upset she didn t want to spend the time with me. And although she doesn t really like big party/social events she reluctantly decided she d like to have a small party for close family and friends to celebrate, and I organized and paid for all of that too. No gratitude or thanks were offered from her for either of these events (and still not). Nor for any of the presents I had arranged for her from me and from the kids.

It was whilst she was away on the girls weekend in early March that I started to suspect an A. We both had trackers on our phones, mostly to see where the kids were, but whilst she was away, my curiosity got the better of me and I snooped. Nothing untoward until the last night when it seemed like late at night she went to a different apartment building to her hotel for 1.5 hours, before returning. It couldn t be true? Must be an error on the GPS these things do happen. It wouldn t be likely she met someone there and had a late night rendez vous. And she was with girlfriends who surely would have stopped that. I shrugged it off, but was now very suspicious and looking for the signs.

I started to snoop - on her phone and browser history. And eventually, in mid April I saw a search for a local hotel and also a phone number for a hotel group. Two days later she said she had plans and would be out for the afternoon, and could I be in for when D12 was dropped home. D12 was late so I looked up on the tracker where she was and saw W was at this hotel. I drove there, saw her car and wasn t sure what to do. I left and decided not to confront her just yet. I didn t sleep all night, but then she rose early and headed up to see her parents the next day, spontaneously, taking D12 with her. I texted her that we needed to talk about the hotel. She called me later and said she took a wrong turn, was actually on her way to see a counsellor as she was struggling with our relationship and needed help. I knew she had lied, but said we should speak on her return. I had a sleepless weekend, and then we had a long chat when she was back when she told me she had been feeling like she needs space for a long time, not feeling like being intimate with me and was not sure if she wanted to be married any more. I asked her if she was seeing someone else - she said no, it was about needing space. Again, I knew she was lying, but I let it go. I was devastated, taken completely by surprise (I had missed all the signs, like we do..), and my head was in a spin.

The next 2 weeks were uncomfortable all round - we tried to act normal around the kids, W went to her IC and I found one to go to myself to share my suspicions and to try to figure out how to cope with the lack of sleep and angst. But things just weren t right, and after a night out with friends at the end of April, I spent all night cross checking her phone records with my own diary and boom. Perfect match of my absences with communications to a particular number - stretching back nearly 12 months! The number was for an OM who had been working on the house. I raised it with her the next morning before the kids got up, and she admitted to it. She said she was sorry for hurting me, but did not regret it at all. She had found a spark with OM, it was something that had been missing between us, she says she hadn t felt like being intimate with me for a long time (maybe 10-12 years), felt we have drifted apart, was happier when I m away, and she was longing for her independence. Pretty unequivocal really.

So for the last 6 weeks I have been going through the stages of grief and learning more and more about my WAWs feelings. We ve each spoken to lawyers, talked about mediators, and were apparently heading swiftly towards S or even D, but then a couple of weeks ago realized we both felt it was moving too quickly and decided to slow down to really think things through. We explored trial separation and joint counselling, which I said was only worthwhile if it was something she was really engaged with and there was no OM involved. She always went silent at the mention of him. Says it all really.

All the while we have been living under the same roof, in separate bedrooms trying to keep it from our kids whilst we work things through. For sure S17 and S15 suspect something is up, but they are not saying anything. D12 is blissfully unaware, and no one else knows (except W s sister and my father and sister who I confided in for support only). W knows this is a life-changing moment, and feels unable to pull the trigger knowing that it would in an instant destroy everything we had made together and change the kids lives for ever. But she is clear that if it wasn t for everything else , she wouldn t be in a relationship with me.

It s tough at the moment, being in limbo, particularly trying to act normal around the kids and other people. But I feel I need to give her time and space to reach her own decision. This is of her making and I don t feel I want to rescue her and make the decision for her. I do still love her, and have told her that is she s prepared to have no contact with the OM and to go to counselling together I would be too. But the extent of the deceit and betrayal, coupled with some of the things she has said to me about how she feels, means it has become easier to detach over the last few weeks and prepare myself for what I feel is the inevitable separation.

I think I m doing all the right things at the moment - being civil to her and helpful in a normal way, still helping around the house, being the best dad I can be to my kids. But also doing some of the LRT and detachment work I know you all speak about as important. She has noticed, but I don t think cares what I am doing. Nevertheless, I think this is important given we aren t in the open yet, and whilst there is a (slim) chance of a reconciliation, I am maintaining a positive attitude and making changes in my life with regular exercise, taking up swimming again and trying hard to get out more.

She is seeing our couples counsellor tomorrow on her own with the idea to speak specifically about the intimacy issue and see if she feels it is something she can work on. She tells me losing desire for a partner has happened before in earlier relationships so perhaps with help and time it can be worked on. The plan is to go to counselling together if she feels its something she really believes she wants to do and can stop all contact with the OM. I don t hold out much hope. I personally think she is just doing this to be able to say she tried, before finally pulling the trigger, but we ll see. All the work I have done in the last 6-8 weeks has really helped me get my head together (including reading on this site), so I think I m prepared.

Ok, well sorry again for the rambling... If you've managed to get to the end of this.. well done! Any thoughts/questions/suggestions all welcome. And I ll keep you posted as things evolve in the coming days. I think we are heading towards telling the kids before the end of June, but perhaps I m wrong..

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M47 W50
T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs
S17 S15 D12
Discovered A 04/12/18
BD 04/15/18
Discovered identity of AP 04/29/18
Separate rooms 04/29/18