Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind???

[Clyde]

Back to the bike... as I write this I am sitting a top a mountain I just rode up. I'm over looking the ocean and enjoying the breeze, enjoying being away from the madness at home.

So for now it looks like the bike might live another day, if it doesn't- yeah that [censored], but I'll get another eventually.

Time to go enjoy the downhill part of the ride.

[ovrrnbw]

Sorry to hijack, but can someone tell me what "piecing" means?

[kiro]

Clyde, you remind me of myself before my W's BD about a year ago. I agree with most comments. I don't think you are in piecing.

The reason you remind me of me is because you are trying too hard to fix things. I am not an expert in DBing and have more questions than answers, but I can tell that you are a logical person. You are trying to make sense of your situation and you are trying to convince your wife about what is right. This is not working and will not work. You need to stop all these debates and talk less. You need to accept that she will do what she wants to do even if it doesn't make sense to you. Like many have already pointed to, you cannot control her. And you will not convince her by reason.

I don't have the answer to your situation. You're in a different spot, but your expectation is too high. You are tracking all her moves almost on a daily basis and it affects you emotionally. This is where I was the first 6 months after W's BD. And it didn't work out well for me. It was a roller-coaster. One week, things would be great and the next, she would be cold and distant. She was not committed to work on the M.

Someone told you that you need to "man-up". I totally agree.

You also need to stop trying to fix her and control her. You need to let go and GAL.

You also need to accept that this is a long process. What you expect will take days or weeks, could take months or even years. So you need to be patient. Stop caring what she does and what she says. Take care of yourself and your kids.

[kiro]

A few more thoughts:

1. She is probably very confused herself. She is probably overwhelmed with emotions and doesn't know what she wants, except that she wants to feel good about herself. So don't trust what she says. She could say a thing one day, and then say or do the opposite the next day. Remember this is all about emotions and not reason or logic.

2. She will manipulate you whenever she can to get what she wants (or feels she wants). This is very tricky because you want her and she knows you do. Every time someone on this post points to the fact that you are pursuing her and have not let go, you argue back. But if we feel it, then you can be assured that she feels it to. She will only believe that you can really move on without her when you really believe so yourself.

3. You need to loosen up a little and not expect things to be perfect all the time, especially with the kids. This is sensitive subject and I could be wrong, but I think you need to use your judgment. This is a tough time for everyone because of your M situation but also for your 13 year old due to her age. My point is that you want the family to feel safe around you. You need to be fun, and choose the battles worth fighting for.


Just my 2 cents.

[Clyde]

Things are still the same, if not worse. I keep convos w/ the W at a minimal, she will occasionally try to make small talk, I will engage as briefly as possible, making sure I do not open the door for the convo to go any longer than necessary.

I have completely abandoned any notion that we may be piecing, going forward I am implementing sandi's rules, having a little more of my bearing these days I hope to be more successful in doing so. I already broke a few yesterday during a convo about finances even though I was dead set on following them to a T, clearly I took the bait the W was putting out there. I would of preferred not to have the convo w/ the W at all as I knew she would see it as pursing, that being said it was necessary as I needed to make sure she was aware of what I was going to do w/ the ins. $ from the truck, and I also needed to know if she was going to continue to help w/ household bills, (even though she already told me she would not help w/the mortgage).

As hard as I tried to keep the convo strictly on finances it was near impossible. Last week when the W said, "I'm done w/ the M", I told her "fine, go, whats your plan?". Anyhow, she brought up that if she is going to stay or go is a factor as to wether or not she is going to contribute to the household bills. All said and done, a definitive answer as to if she is going to contribute or not was not established... I swear I can carry on a more productive convo w/ my 6 YO!!!!

During the convo, she was pretty much saying it was her way or the highway, my response, "the highway is that way!". Then she would fall back on her excuses, twisted reasoning etc. during which I tried to validate when possible, but also held to my boundaries. Several times I tried to stop the convo by saying, "this is accomplishing nothing, we see it two different ways. I am willing to sit down in front of a neutral person and have them share their point of view, where I am wrong I will admit and move accordingly... you refuse to do so, you refuse to have any responsibility for any of the sitch we are in, that leave us right were we are, accomplishing nothing! So are we even having this convo?"

At that point she brought up how would we pay for counseling again. I again suggested we use some of her tax return. She said "nope, not spending the money on that, besides, I would have to miss work to go to C."....anyhow, I think you get the idea. my best efforts could not keep this convo on track, and in the end she ended up do more damage by saying stupid things.

Like I said earlier, I did not want to have this convo to begin w/, but we need to establish how fins are going to work, and having not achieved what I set out to do, now what? (I can tell she saw the whole convo as pursuing, she seemed extra chipper this a.m.) I can just tell her what she has to pay, likely she will be even less inclined to do so as it would be a request from me.

One thing that was gained by this convo, I now sit here with out a shadow of a doubt, without a single reason to think she is anything but selfish!

M: "So you refuse to help me w/ the mortgage?"
W: "Thats your responsibility, I help w/ enough bills."
M: "You realize we are nearing foreclosure?"
W: "I thought you were selling your bike, why don't you sell some of your guitars too!"
M: "Bike has been on crags list, I'm trying, even if it does sell that is not even a quarter of what we owe... as far as the guitars, if we really needed to I would, how about we start selling some of your stuff? Or you could use some of that money you are sitting on."
W: "I want the security of having that money in the bank."
M: "If we brought the mortgage current there would still be a good amount left in your account, what security do you have if we don't have a roof over our heads?"
W: "Why don't you get a 9 - 5?
M: "We've been over this a million times, I even told you last year I would get a 9-5, but we would have to BK, get rid of the house etc. etc... you said no, lets not do that"

Silence

M: "Tell me this, when those contracts I am waiting on o go forward, when I am busy again and money is not an issue, are you expecting me to go buy you a new truck, one that is nicer than your old one?"

She just sits there silent.

M: "Look me in the eyes and tell me that you are not expecting me to buy you a nicer truck with the money I will be making?"
W: "Well I would hope so, after all your kids are going to be driving in it."
M: "Do your kids not live under this roof? So then why can't you help w/ the mortgage? And as far as your truck goes, I already told you we would have any safety issues fixed on the one we have now, the body damage can wait to be fixed." You seem to go back and forth between "we" and "me" as you see fit, you cannot have it both ways!"
W: " I am done w/ this convo, it I'm having flashbacks of last year, we are sitting in the same spots... everything is the same!"
M: "Wrong, last year I told you I would do anything for this M, clearly you mistook my kindness for ignorance, I'm done going that route! The biggest difference between last year and now is that I am ok if you leave, I can honestly say I gave it my all, that I left nothing on the table! What we are living now, what you want our M to be, is not what I fought for, I'm done fighting for something that is hopeless".

I know some may say those final words were useless, I know I broke several rules through out the convo, it is hard when you are in the middle of it... anyhow, I will now back those words w/ actions. As much as I want to tell her to leave now, I have never truly LRT, in doing so if she comes around great (if I am even interested)... if not, I'm that much closer to starting the next chapter in life.

[Gordie]

Reread the sections on LRT ultimatums and after the LRT

I have been where you are and that all helped me

You can only control you and feel like you are still acting like a H

Re finances

Maybe it is in your best interest to sell the house

Sounds like you can not afford it right now

Better to sell on your terms than go through foreclosure

Then you can live a life you can afford independent of your w

That would be free if to both of you

[Clyde]

Gordie

Are you talking about in the DR book, or on this forum (the LRT reading you suggested)?

As far as selling the house, my shop is on the property, if I was to sell it would cost me about the same to rent a shop then I would also have housing to pay for. While the W does contribute, I don't know that it is anymore than she is taking. She eats organic, expensive teas, supplements etc. When she lived in her apartment the utility bills dropped dramatically. When she moved back in I gave her money to pay for her apartment etc., I paid for 100% of x-mas for the kids and spoiled the W... all this combined with the contracts getting delayed contributed to the current sitch.

My financial sitch is only temp... It's been tight, but I've never been in this sitch before.

[Ginger1]

I apologize in advance, but....

Your wife is an untitiled b!tch who's only concern is her own lifestyle. What you said was absolutely right, IF you stand by it. If you don't intend with following through with your words, they meant nothings, she will continue to suck you dry.

She is very clearly not back in the marriage to be married. She is in it to protect her lifestyle and her own financial interest.

If I was you, I would tell her if she isn't going to pay her share of the mortgage, SHE CAN GET OUT! And mean it!

You are ready to sell everything you love an down to get out of a financial bind and your wife is willing to do NOTHING. Not even give up her fancy bath salts. And when you are raking in the money she wants you to pay for nice expensive stuff?!

I am disgusted on your behalf. You need to go get your balls back, and fast, before she rips your manhood completely away and your money.

[Ginger1]

"entitled"

[Clyde]

I was looking for a thread I saw not to long ago called " The DB Songbook". Couldn't find it, so I guess I will post it here for now.

This is an old country song written by Keith Whitey, I wrote and added the few verses that are in blue. Those verse I wrote directly relate to things the W said last year during BD. I'm sitting here w/ a guitar and a beer, singing my heart out to, part of me kinda hopes she slows down and hears the lyrics.

Anyhow, here it is....

Where there's a cloud don't mean there's rain
Tears in my eyes don't mean there's pain
Don't flatter yourself, I'm over you
Things aren't always what they seem
You can't believe everything you read
Over my face, I'm over you

You heard I'm drinkin' more than I should
And I ain't been lookin' all that good
Someone told you I was takin' it rough
Why they makin' those stories up
When I'm over you?

There are times that you've been around
You would've seen me broken down
But now I'm not, I'm over you
So if I seem a little bit cold
It only mean you lost the hope
You had on me, I'm over you

You heard I'm drinkin' more than I should
And I ain't been lookin' all that good
Someone told you I was takin' it rough
Why they makin' those stories up
When I'm over you?

The free ride is over, it is long gone
It left when your gratitude hit the door
Don't be surprised, I'm over you
You were treated like a queen
But acted like a child
That might of seemed
To work for a while
But with a smile, I'm over you

You say you can't love me
The thought makes nauseous
That feeling in your belly
Is gonna give cancer
Biopsy me, from your life
Your family and your friends
Never liked me
You never could put them in their place
I'm no longer your disgrace
I'm over you

You heard I'm drinkin' more than I should
And I ain't been lookin' all that good
Someone told you I was takin' it rough
Why they makin' those stories up
When I'm over you?