Organic Blue Sky

[HaWho]

Thanks Gerda, KML, Ownit, Andrew, Bttrfly, Roist and DNJ for all the kind words and pearls of wisdom.

Gordie - as to how I am, I'm okay. I had a rough beginning to the week. I felt like there was a cinder block on my chest; there was so much pain over all that has happened. It went on for several days and then passed. And when it did, I recognized I felt stronger. I know it's all part of the healing.

There are always new pangs. Just yesterday, I was emailing with a client and seeing my last name he asked if I was of a certain descent. I paused because it's my husband's last name. I did contemplate having a little bit of fun by telling the client "yes, he's of x descent, but he's also just plain crazy! He was convinced I was trying to poison him so we're divorcing now." Oh, the ways I could really make the work day more interesting.

Speaking of ex, this week I received another hand written note from him. This one was mailed to me. Maybe he mailed it to ensure I received it because the last Costco one was hand delivered by s and I never even acknowledged it. I felt a real dread when I saw it with his hand writing on it. Inside was proof that he's paid his life insurance policy for the next 6 months and a handwritten note explaining so. At first I thought it was some sort of threat. Like he was sending it to me to tell me he was cancelling it after 6 months. Then, I worried maybe he was in a really dark place and he paid it in advance because of this.

I had to text him about something to do with the kids. I kept it very business like and simple but he just went right into anger. He is just SO angry. He accused me of doctoring the text conversations I showed in court several weeks ago. Ignore. He called me a liar. Ignore. He blamed me (again) for things that happened in my depression that I have apologized for numerous times (no, not affairs, really things that didn't even impact him). Ignore. There were several paranoid statements. Ignore.

The best part, is all I did was ask a simple question and there he was back to blowing up my phone. Ignore.

I am busy with helping my kids grow up, with work and with friendships. I am taking better care of myself again. I have faith that better days are ahead of me and that there is a plan for me (which hopefully does not involve MLC).

[job]

It takes a very, very long time for that anger to disappear. He's angry at the world and himself. He lashes out at you because you are "safe".

I am so sorry he's still in La La Land. Continue as you have been, i.e., focusing on you and your sons.

[DnJ]

My goodnesss he is angry. As Job said, you being safe are a target. I found that people who are hurting will lash out in anger. Their inner pain is driving the anger.

You are doing such a good job on ignoring his bullying texts.

Interesting his hand written note about renewing his life insurance. Are you still the beneficiary? Or is it the kids? Do you even know? You of course do not have to answer.

This just got me thinking of when W dropped the bomb everything was in her name. All policies, accounts, and property would be paid to her if something had happened to me. That was one of the very first things I had to change, the beneficiary from W to kids. I also let her know about the change.

So I am worth $0 to her now. I still have a policy on her, which does seem a bit weird.

I am glad things are looking up. Better days are definitely ahead for you.

[Gerda]

Sometimes I think these business-like things they bring up are the only safe way they have of remembering the M and of trying to somehow reach a hand up out of the pit to wave to us. It's so sad. With my H, I think those things are his way of trying to still feel like a man when he feels like such a failure.

I am so glad you are seeing your life in such a positive way. You are right that a new and wonderful chapter is beginning for you. You have learned so much and you gave it your all, and you gained a lot of wisdom. I hope you will discover so many things that bring you your own special joy.

[HaWho]

Thanks Job, DNJ and Gerda.

Well, there's just so much I feel has happened these past few months. I find I am laughing more and eating life with a much bigger spoon. I am healing.

I have little contact with my ex and what little I do have is too much. He still occasionally rage emails me. We use a scheduling app that is meant to be just that: an app for scheduling when the kids go where, etc. Last week he sent me a nasty email complete with a nasty tone. I simply said that I would not address his issues as they were not appropriate for a scheduling app and also, the whole point of the app is to maintain a calm tone and stick to scheduling.

I have to say I am so relieved to have limited contact with him. When you live it you get so used to it. When you distance from it you regain a sense of seeing how crazy it all is. He is such an unattractive pit bull of a guy these days.

Here's a funny one. He sent me a text where he suggested an alteration the schedule. He recommended that I take the kids every weekend. Guess replay has a vise grip on him. He pitched it in the most ridiculous way. He said this would give me "my freedom." Talk about projection. I told him I'd stick with the current schedule.

Then he sent me another email proposing (again) a July schedule where he (again) had every weekend free of the kids.

Time and patience are the two greatest warriors. I feel myself healing piece by piece.

[job]

You are doing well. Now that you've had some distance put between you, you can see just how irrational he truly is. He's going to do everything in his power to mess w/your mind and try to have you second guessing yourself.

I like the fact that you have a scheduling app and really, that's the only way to set up the schedules of your sons. The less you have to interact w/him, the better.

Time, space and patience are the keys to healing...oh...one more thing...a sense of humor.

[kml]

Just write back and say "Sorry, I need two weekends a month free for dating" lolol

[Gordie]

HaWho sorry about the rage emails

But so happy you are distancing and healing

Their selfishness blinds them or maybe they just do not care how selfish they are

How are the boys handling all of this

Hope you are enjoying the summer

[CaliGuy]

HaWho

Nice to read you are doing well .. the healing buisness takes longer than I think we all expect it should but it too has its own stubborn schedule

I read somewhere one never really realizes just how toxic a relationship is until they are free from it .. I know for me this is the case.

Nice to read the update !!

[bttrfly]

I'm about to say something completely opposed to standing:
I'm hella glad you're free of this bozo. I'm thrilled your spoon is bigger! I'm delighted you're setting healthy limits and no longer living under the tyranny of his MLC/mental illness.

xoxoxoxo