Yet Another LBS w/ WAW

[hongaku]

Hongaku,

You have come to a fantastic and supportive community here. You might not always like what they have to say, but everyone is speaking from a place of caring and love in their attempts to help. Definitely keep posting and read some of the other threads on here. Benitos thread is one that has helped me a lot http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2778117&page=10

You seem to be doing a lot of the steps necessary to improve yourself, in terms of exercise, IC, medication, job searching. Are you able to get out and spend time with friends as well? I have also found mindfullness and breathing activities to be very helpful. Keep the focus on improving yourself since that is all you can control.

It sounds like our situations are relatively similar in terms of dealing with depression and codependency. Is there a reason you left the house rather than your wife? I did the same in early April and regret that decision. I highly recommend that you read Codependency No More, I have also found the book Self Esteem to be very helpful. Do you have any reason to think that your wife is an A or is acting strangely, or do you think she is a pure WAW, unhappy with the marriage and simply acting to protect herself? Since you have kids I assume that you have lots of opportunities to interact with your W, make sure to take advantage of them by acting as positive and friendly as you can.

Good luck with your journey!

Hi Davide and thank you.

I have not made many friends since the move here, so that is definitely an area to improve on. But, I am spending time with the few I do have.

I ask myself why I am the one to leave the house over her. The rational argument is that I am unemployed and the economics of it are quite difficult at the moment. I am currently staying w/ my cousin and his wife for free, and they live about 30 minutes from the family house. The rent at the family home is too high for a second place to be rented without me having a job. I do not like that I am the one to have moved out, but it was only supposed to be temporary to give my W some emotional and physical space to think things over. In the interim, 3 weeks in to my being out, she declared that she was more certain than ever that we cannot reconcile and that divorce is the only option because nothing will ever change and that our separation had officially started.

So, I may or may not insist on re-evaluating the living sitch once I get a job, but I am not exactly in a strong position to make a case at this particular moment.

I have zero reason to suspect an A of any kind and this seems to be strictly unhappy with the marriage and her expectations of it and is simply wanting out because she currently sees it as a better option since she is locked into the things cannot change mindset.

I have read Codependent No More, and I personally found it to be insipid and entirely unhelpful in any way; I actually found it to be detrimental. In fact, the reason I read it is because my Ws therapist suggested it to her and she read, then wanted me to. My W is convinced that she is codependent on me and that is another of her reasons for wanting D.

I also read a book, The Everything Guide to Self Esteem which I did get a lot of good out of. I do not know if this is the same book you are referring to.

Currently, in addition to DR, I am reading books that focus on validation, emotional bids, and effective communication and connection techniques. It has been very helpful in the interactions I have with my W, which are indeed often enough (couple times a week for the kids). I absolutely take full advantage of these moments to employ not only more effective communication techniques, but also the relevant rules from the 37 that sandi2 put together. I am also awaiting the arrival of No More Mr Nice Guy as I have seen that recommended many times on these forums and elsewhere.