W rushing thru D, help

[Cory09]

Hi Guys,

I appreciate any help as I too am a newbie. My wife of 9 years dropped the
bomb on me 4 weeks ago that she wanted a D. My story, we met 12 years ago, she moved to my city to live with me after 1 month, engaged after 2 years and married after 3. We were best friends where we did everything together. She was supportive,sweet and loving. We both came from divorced families, where we saw the effects of D on people that we love and promised to never cheat. A little background on my W, her and her 2 sisters were abandoned when they were 5,3,1 by their mother left to be raised by their father. Her mother was a cheater, her grandfather was a cheater and her aunt has been married 6 times so she hasnt had the best relationship role models. However, she was the most loyal wife, she never even mentioned a another guy let alone look at 1. She is an utterly breathtaking women, but she struggles with low self esteem and her past relationships were all with men much below her that were not good relationships. Im sure she has had numerous opportunities to venture but never did.
We have had some huge life events recently: celebrated 9 year anniversary where she wrote me the most heartwarming letter ever,she started a new highly successful job, we sold our house, we were building our dream home and we were trying to have a baby. Then 4 weeks ago she returned from a business trip on Friday and on sat she approached me with a panicked look, said we need to talk, and she wants a D. I was completely shocked, she had shown no signs of unhappiness, no signs of withdrawal, our sex life was amazing, everyone close to us said that we were the last people that they thought would ever divorce and her closest friends said she had never once mentioned she was unhappy! So I asked her if she had an affair and she said Yes! Her reason was she couldn t communicate her unhappiness to me and could never forgive herself for not telling me she was unhappy, and she didnt feel like she could be herself and she was hurt that we waited so long to have a baby. She is basically
changin our story to make it sound like she was unhappy but NOONE picked up on it. She has developed fairly new friendships with a couple of divorced adulterous successful women. Since our separation she has been confiding with these women and pushing away her best friend and all of our good friends. Shes kind of gone into the single party girl mode. When we first separated she was cold, angry and distant. We both got our own place cuz we just sold our house. Three days after she told me she wants a D, she met a lawyer and has been fast tracking the D. When she first dropped the bomb, i like everyone broke all the DB rules. She felt pity for me, said she is so sorry for hurting m, basically she no longer respected me. Luckily, i found the Divorce Remedy that first week and decided to focus on bettering myself and give her space.

She Texted me everday but 1 the first 2 weeks and she was at the house unexpectedly when i went to move. My DB coach said to be happy and content whenever i was in her presence so i was very confident and charming and did a 180 and acted as if. It was amazing, her cold angry wall that she surrounded herself in was coming down. We had some laughs, great discussions, she called me Dear and followed me down the stairs with a heartfelt good-bye. She really had trouble looking me in the eye, you could tell she
has so much guilt and shame (my therapists words). She ended our encounter again with D talk and even though i was crushed i said i see this really means alot to you and im not going to fight it. My DB coach suggested, I open lines of communication with her since she didnt feel like she communicate with me about her feelings so i called to discuss anmeeting We had another positive phone discussion where it seemed like we were taking small baby steps again but now she said that would be good cuz she
is meeting with L to come up with settlement and we can discuss Friday. Once again, all of her close friends are telling her to slow down and process but she is full speed ahead. Well its Friday she called to tell me she was emailing papers cuz she was filing for D and if i would meet closer to her house. I did a 180 from what i would usually do and said No
I want to check this specific place out and she relented. As you can tell, Im a Mr Nice Guy after 9 years of marriage when i used to he her Warrior. Ive been focusing on myself to be that Guy she Fell in Live with. And after 4 weeks i really like the guy that i used to be. I know that my actions can communicate the changes much better than words ever will, but i feel like she is cutting herself off from everything and not gonna notice/realize until it is too late(2 mths to finalize D). I obviously want nothing more than to make my marriage work, which is why i am here. I know I cant make any want to be with me, it just feels like she isnt letting emotions subside and thinking clearly. Any advice, would be appreciated. I just have this hole in my chest and immense sorrow in my soul and i feel like she is just throwing it all away without even giving US a chance. She isnt really processing though what she doing instead distracting herself with work, her phone and those awful new friends. Im trying to stay strong but this hurts more than anything imaginable!!