Gordie, I thought the same thing after reading your updates, that we are going through some similar stuff.
When W discusses the whole moving out thing, she seems to position it as she is trying to separate herself from me to minimize the pain she is causing me. She doesnt seem to think it will necessarily make her happy (not that she says anyways). She even said recently that she worries that some point in the future she will see me with someone else and Ill be happy and it will be hard for her...and this is after telling me she cant change the way she feels about me. She also indicates she will miss living at our house. Such a weird thought process. She seems to be spiraling downwards. I realize that she isn't necessarily done with me, but I worry that this will have me done with her. I did not cause her sadness and depression, but she did cause mine.
I find myself reevaluating our relationship recently. Im starting to wonder if she ever really loved me in a meaningful way. She seems to have always kept me at arms length. She has never been very affectionate and its always been me to initiate intimacy between us. When she first started up with her MLC script she talked about us drifting apart and not doing stuff together or being very affectionate towards each other. I took that to heart and tried to make it better, and of course that didnt work. What I didnt realize until recently is that she never did any of that. She never romances me or tried to bring a spark back. I know she cared for me, but I am not sure if she is even capable of loving me the way I loved her. I dont know, maybe Im starting to rewrite history to help me get through this, or maybe Im finally starting to see things from an outside perspective instead of from my own. I always loved her and was happy (despite her inability to open up much) and I just assumed she was too.
Today she told me she found a house so I guess she will finally be moving out soon. I have been spending time thinking about all the stuff I want to do with the house. Ive actually already started. Kind of getting excited about cleaning out all the clutter and decorating and rearranging the house to my liking. W isnt a slob, but she isnt near as tidy as I am. Looking forward to cleaning out all the clutter and getting things just the way I like them. D and I have been repainting her room to a color she picked out. We have been having a great time doing it.
I feel like I am slowly climbing my way out of my funk and depression despite W moving out, and she seems to be spiraling downwards. Her replay antics seem to be pretty much non existent these days. I think she might be in the depression/withdrawal stage. Not that where she is at means as much to me now since she is leaving, but hard not to notice. Mainly hard because it seems that if she is stopping all the crazy behavior and mainly just depressed that she wouldnt still be so adamant to leave, but I guess that is just rational thinking on my part...cant really expect that.
