Yet Another LBS w/ WAW

[hongaku]

Hello, I m sorry to have to be here, but also glad that such a place of support exists.

I discovered DR in mid-May 2018 and wish I d found it much earlier on. I ve been devouring various self-help and relationship books since shortly after W did her BD in late Jan 2018. DR was the one I d been looking for (along with a select couple of others that have proven valuable resources). Immediately upon coming across the 180 and LRT in DR, I knew that was what I had to do.

When my W dropped this on me, I think I went through ALL of the unhelpful behaviors that would do nothing but worsen the situation and push W further away. I was despondent, I begged and pleaded, I cried, I apologized for everything, I reminded her of all the good in our relationship and how long we ve been together, I cried some more, I brought up the harm it would do to the kids, I bought gifts and a card, and I was generally desperate and clingy. All of it.

Now, I ve gotten myself together and fully invested in working on my half of things. I m keeping a journal, setting goals, GAL, and addressing my legitimate issues that contributed to my W being unhappy in the MR. I m using the rules list put together by sandi2 as my own rule book and continuing to use DR and a few other books as guides.

My W has legitimate grievances, fortunately, nothing in my sitch involves infidelity in any way (mine or hers), but there are plenty of things just as damaging or worse that can hurt a MR. In my case, I was suffering from untreated depression for a very long time, more than 30 years. I knew things weren t ok since I was a kid, but I was too ashamed to admit it and learned to live with it. So, I was functional, made it through school and college, got a job and we had a great relationship and marriage for a long time. I was ignoring the fact that as the years went by, the depression was only getting worse and my ego defenses to try and cover it up were only getting worse along with it - negativity, pessimism, being critical, arrogance, resistance to engaging in fun, and other unsavory behavioral traits. Then, nearly 3 years ago, we moved to another state for a job opportunity for my W. I really bottomed out after that and while the rest of the family transitioned quite well to our new environment, I went on a downward spiral. We agreed that would be a stay-at-home home dad to our youngest for a couple of years due to the costs of childcare here. Big mistake. During this time, my W began to really start resenting me and losing respect for me as a man. Even though I was taking care of our youngest and keeping the house relatively clean and doing all the cooking and general domestic duties, I was also gaining weight, self-medicating and deep in depression. Even though we agreed that I would stay home (her idea to begin with), I was too unmotivated and down on myself to look for a job.

So, my W has legitimate reasons to have lost respect for me and to develop the kind of resentment she does. I haven t been a great guy to be around for several years now and I m unemployed. Now, as I said above, I m working on myself vigorously at this point. I ve gotten diagnosed and put on medication for the clinical depression as of Feb, and I m in IC. I ve gotten myself back in peak physical shape (I m in better shape now than I was in college), I m on the job hunt and while I haven't gotten one yet, I ve had several promising interviews and I feel it is imminent (and a crucial element to even begin to regain respect from my W). I m GAL and working on all aspects of re-embracing my masculinity and making sure not to fall into any traps of the NGS. And as far as dealings w/ my W, I ve been fully implementing the LRT and associated principles.

So, right now I m in watch and wait mode and am prepared for the long game of patience and resolve. We are separated since 4/23/18 and the laws in our state dictate that spouses must be living separately for 1 year before D can even be filed for. As such, I m looking at this with a time is on my side perspective and keeping a sense of optimism about the sitch.