new...need help understanding situation?

[sandi2]

Okay, great to hear you say so! The sooner you can change the dynamics in the relationship, the better. I'll list a few things you can start immediately.

* You must stop all actions that make you appear as though you are trying to persuade her. That includes any talks about the relationship (which will be hard, but you can do it).
* Don't inquire about her plans or her desires for the future. Other than logistics for the children, or something along those lines, don't ask questions about what she is going to do.
* Don't ask how she feels or if she is upset, worried, angry, etc. Don't ask about her cycle. Ignore the moodiness, but if she disrespects you in front of the kids, ask to speak in private (so as not to talk in front of the kids) and then tell her you won't tolerate being disrespected in front of the children. Keep it short and clean, then leave the room.
* Don't accommodate your WW. I don't know how entitled she may act, but do not rearrange your daily schedule or plans to fit whatever she wants that day. Don't wait/serve her hand & foot. Don't be her personal assistant. Don't clean up her mess. Don't do all the chores.
* Stop fearing her anger and her moods. Don't do all the house chores, trying to keep her in a civil mood, or anything you habitually do to keep the peace with her. Let it go, and let her rip. Do your part, but don't do everything thinking it will help her by lightening her load. If you don't understand, let me know and I will say more about it.
* Don't try to fix the things around her, trying to make things easier on her.....hoping this will help the relationship.
* Regard your WW in the way you would treat a woman who was there for room & board. Use this as your stencil when you interact with her, and if you aren't sure how to respond to something.
* When the children are present, try to act as normally as possible in your family interactions (like at the dinner table), but don't over do it. You are not overjoyed at your W's behavior, so don't over-kill with pleasantries.
* Don't find reasons to play happy family with your WW. She may try to take advantage and cake eat. As long as you are under the same roof, a certain amount of cake can't be avoided. However, don't plan some family activity just so you can have her company. Know what I mean? She needs to wonder if you even desire to be in her presence. You are trying to change the dynamics, and she has to wake up and see that her H is no longer crazy about her and doesn't particularly desire her company.......since she has become wayward. He can take her or leave her. See what I mean? In other words, you need to act as if you are letting her go.......and, not reluctantly. None of this is said in words. It's all attitude and actions. Forget having long talks where you explain all of this to her.
* Stop giving explanations to her about your actions, decisions, etc. Don't repeat thing you've already told her. Don't tell her you don't want a D or separation, b/c she needs to wonder if you want out of the M. This changes the dynamics when she stops seeing you as the one she's dumping.....and sees the possibility of you dumping her.

Is your WW aware that you suspect something? If not, don't say anything just yet. Get your ducks in order, financially & legally. Know where you stand, should a S/D come.

My big concern is that she is getting angry when i bring up this other guys name. It happened last week as well. Is this because shes feeling guilty over something?

Yes, it's guilt. Stop bringing up OM's name. That's not how to deal with things. If you want to know if they've had an PA, or if it's some different guy......you may have to hire a private detective, and even then, it may not be solid proof. Reading her phone texts would probably reveal a lot more. If you don't have access, then you don't. Some H's cannot deal with the information they uncover. Many H's say an affair is a deal breaker, until they are faced with the facts. So, don't make any proclamations to her, thinking it will carry weight on her decisions......b/c it won't. Neither can you guilt her out of an affair and back into your arms. If you want intel and can get it, that's your decision to make. I just caution you about getting hooked on reading her messages, etc. it happens with H's all the time.

From this point onward, you can no longer say & do things to see how she reacts. It does not work, and the H just makes himself look like a dope. H's have a natural urgency to protect/secure what is theirs, including their W. He sees the OM as a predatore, which may be true.......but the OM is not forcing anything on your WW. Hard to swallow, but you have to know that she is not that innocent girl you fell in love with. I want you to stay balanced in your thinking and don't get too focused on the OM and think he is the problem. He is a result of the problem that exsisted in her heart. Even if OM leaves the picture, your W will still be wayward and she'll pursue someone else. Her wayward mindset is the problem here.

I want you to be prepared for the worst. She is going to say mean things to you. She's going to accuse you of things that aren't true. She's going to lie. She's going to hurt your feelings.....and break your heart. Every time you open up or initiate a R talk.......you will get more hurt, and nothing will be resolved. It often pushes the WW to take the "next step", which to her means a separation of some type. So, no talks! BTW, do not agree to an in-house separation, and do not agree to sleep anywhere else but the MBR (marital bedroom). If she doesn't want to sleep with you, then she can sleep elsewhere. She'll get nasty, b/c society has taught men that they should give the softer female the best bed. Well, forget that rubbish. The faithful spouse should stay in the marital bedroom, if at all possible.

Fyi... i really need help on gal, detaching, validation, etc. I a committed to savinv my marriage but i just dont want to be a lapdog at home if and/while shes having an affair.

Okay, we can help you with it. First, I want to warn you about validating a WW. I know, you hear it all through the threads here on the board, and I didn't say anything until recently. Unless you are as naturally talented as Wonka and Another Stander with validating........I would not worry about doing it too much. My reasons for this is based on the mindset of the WW. To her, having a H who is trying to validate her every time she says something makes him appear too eager to be her appeaser. I wish I could think of a good anology to explain what I mean. If he doesn't have the natural know-how, he's going to sound as if he just a$$ kissing......and he's going to do it waaaay too much. When I read posts from a LBH describing an interaction with their WW, he'll usually add that he validated. Most times, this is a guy who never validated her in his life.......and suddenly he's validating his wayward W every time she opens her mouth? He's going to appear like a "Yes Dear" kind of H, which WW's hate. So, please be very careful about validating her. I'm not suggesting there is never a time & place, but just be cautious.

As for GAL.........let me first explain it does not mean you go looking for other women, or hang out at bars/clubs. It's whatever you enjoy doing. Do you have a hobby, or did you have one before you got so busy with life? Maybe you've considered one. Are you into sports, travel, dance, puzzles, digging for artifacts, exploring new places, watching action movies, hanging out with your buddies, camping, fishing, hunting.......or something you stopped doing b/c your W didn't enjoy it. This is not about her. GAL is all about you, and setting time apart to do whatever is enjoyable. At first, your heart may not be in it....at all. But this is as important as eating and working out. Every successful DBer has said GAL contributed to them being able to move forward with, or without, their spouse. It is a healthy distraction, and it helps you rediscover yourself as an individual, build your self confidence, and makes you more interesting as man. If your life has narrowed down to work & family, and old friends have gradually fell by the wayside.......your world has become too small.

Your commitment to saving your M has absolutely nothing to do with getting a life. You can be M and do something enjoyable for yourself. So, find something you want to do and put it on your personal calendar. Don't just wait for a convenient time, b/c it won't happen. A word of warning.......your WW will become curious about you GAL. She'll ask lots of questions. My advice is to not be obvious, as if you want her to notice you are getting dolled up and going out. You aren't trying to make her jealous. You aren't trying to imply you have someone you are seeing. That's not the point of GAL. On the other hand, you aren't accountable to your WW, so you be the judge of how much information you give her. Never lie, but if you don't want to tell her too much, then give vague answers to her questions. Just stay balanced and don't get rediculous.

The bottom line is the WW will want to know everything about you GAL. Like, what, where, when, and who with. She especially wants to know who you'll be with or who you saw while GAL. But.......she's fired you as her H! So, she doesn't get all those little information packets, like in the past. You may see how she thinks it is okay for her to have secrets and private friends, but she doesn't think the same rule applies to her H.