Hornsfa, welcome here. The good news is you have found the right place. The Usual Suspects have clued you in and it would be wise to listen. Read the book. Read the links.
During DB we all make mistakes. It happens. Just get back to doing the right stuff.
That said, in your last few posts I read several things that constitute pursuing. Don't do it. Learn what it is and don't. This is important and even though it is instinctual it will only drive her away. Don't ask her about IC. don't ask her about anything personal.
You will find that your sitch is not that different from ours. Many of these women freak at 50. Mine did.
Your feelings will change with time. Your instincts will most likely be wrong. Read and post and trust the people on here to tell you what works.
RR17,
Thank you for your thoughts. I do have DR and have been reading it, along with reading most if not all of the links. Its all so overwhelming, and I feel like I am losing time due to all my years of NOT communicating. I do feel a little better this AM, feel like maybe half a foot further down the road And for someone whose instincts have usually been correct (ie discovering affair when she denied), I want to trust them... and I have to learn when it comes to W, I cannot.
H: 47 W:49 M: 17 BD: 5/20/18 OM discovered - still in contact as of 06/07/18. W says she is moving out 9/1/18
Some things that come across as controlling. No, you shouldn't tell her she has to go on a walk with you. You shouldn't tell her you know what the answer in her heart is.
Have you read Divorce Remedy?
Rose,
You are right. I do see the pursuit, but I also admit I feel like I am losing the battle against time.
I do realize there is nothing in her heart for me at all right now. I've been trying to appeal to the head instead. I know she is listening because I know her facial expressions. I can tell when she is processing.. disagreeing... agreeing on things I say.
I have DR and have been reading it for the past few days. Skipping around as MWD suggests for info that may be benefit my situation. And also reading links here. I do feel like I am making some progress in learning what to do, but reading all this info and trying to adapt it is overwhelming.
Thank you for your thoughts!
H: 47 W:49 M: 17 BD: 5/20/18 OM discovered - still in contact as of 06/07/18. W says she is moving out 9/1/18
Oh man. Well you are going about this all wrong and in the process you are just pushing her farther and farther away. No more R talks, no more laying on the bed next to her, no more asking for her keys and pulling her car in the garage, no more clearing space so she can have a spot in the garage, THIS ALL HAS TO STOP. It is all pursuit behavior, and it is all applying pressure. SHE WANTS ZERO PRESSURE FROM YOU. She is sick and tired of you, you may even repulse her. That probably hurts to hear but it is true right now. Her feelings CAN change, but it's going to take a long time and patience. Read DR. Read Sandi's rules several times a day. LIVE THOSE RULES.
Originally Posted By: Hornsfa
Its all so overwhelming, and I feel like I am losing time due to all my years of NOT communicating.
It's too late to do the stuff you are doing. You can't fix it now by showering her with love, in fact you will only make things worse. You've got to quit listening to your internal voice because it is telling you to pursue, do favors, "fix" all the wrongs and that voice is 100% wrong. DB'ing is counter-intuitive. It is very difficult to embrace at first because it is the opposite of your internal voice. But it's your best chance.
You are right. I do see the pursuit, but I also admit I feel like I am losing the battle against time.
This is like saying, I am running out of time to get out of the hole I am in, so I need to dig the hole deeper.
Pursuit will not help. It will push her away.
Your situation is very new, right? You joined on 6/2, and you said she had bomb dropped you a few weeks ago.
But you expect that after a few weeks of you making changes, and within a day or two of moving back into the house, your wife has to feel or behave in a certain way or you are moving back out?
How does that show her you are a man only a fool would leave?
One of the posters says it's consistent changes over time that turns things around.
Your situation is still way too new.
You are expecting the unreasonable.
Also, I know you think you know what she is thinking, because you know her facial expressions, but if you tell her what she is thinking, you remove the opportunity for her to have second thoughts, modify her initial reactions, grow, change. It kills any chance for her to build a new marriage with you.
You need to dig deep and find patience. Bring this up with your individual counselor.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
You are right. I do see the pursuit, but I also admit I feel like I am losing the battle against time.
This is like saying, I am running out of time to get out of the hole I am in, so I need to dig the hole deeper.
Pursuit will not help. It will push her away.
Your situation is very new, right? You joined on 6/2, and you said she had bomb dropped you a few weeks ago.
But you expect that after a few weeks of you making changes, and within a day or two of moving back into the house, your wife has to feel or behave in a certain way or you are moving back out?
How does that show her you are a man only a fool would leave?
One of the posters says it's consistent changes over time that turns things around.
Your situation is still way too new.
You are expecting the unreasonable.
Also, I know you think you know what she is thinking, because you know her facial expressions, but if you tell her what she is thinking, you remove the opportunity for her to have second thoughts, modify her initial reactions, grow, change. It kills any chance for her to build a new marriage with you.
You need to dig deep and find patience. Bring this up with your individual counselor.
Thank you Rose - yes, I need to just go all in. She will notice changes this evening when she gets home. I am going straight to LRT.
H: 47 W:49 M: 17 BD: 5/20/18 OM discovered - still in contact as of 06/07/18. W says she is moving out 9/1/18
Oh man. Well you are going about this all wrong and in the process you are just pushing her farther and farther away. No more R talks, no more laying on the bed next to her, no more asking for her keys and pulling her car in the garage, no more clearing space so she can have a spot in the garage, THIS ALL HAS TO STOP. It is all pursuit behavior, and it is all applying pressure. SHE WANTS ZERO PRESSURE FROM YOU. She is sick and tired of you, you may even repulse her. That probably hurts to hear but it is true right now. Her feelings CAN change, but it's going to take a long time and patience. Read DR. Read Sandi's rules several times a day. LIVE THOSE RULES.
Originally Posted By: Hornsfa
Its all so overwhelming, and I feel like I am losing time due to all my years of NOT communicating.
It's too late to do the stuff you are doing. You can't fix it now by showering her with love, in fact you will only make things worse. You've got to quit listening to your internal voice because it is telling you to pursue, do favors, "fix" all the wrongs and that voice is 100% wrong. DB'ing is counter-intuitive. It is very difficult to embrace at first because it is the opposite of your internal voice. But it's your best chance.
Thank you - you are right and I am fooling myself. I need to gather the strength I KNOW I have and start using it. I am going to LRT right now. I do appreciate your comments!
H: 47 W:49 M: 17 BD: 5/20/18 OM discovered - still in contact as of 06/07/18. W says she is moving out 9/1/18
LRT? Why? There's a lot of space between pursuit and LRT. Why not spend some time there?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
You can not fix this until she is ready. That doesn't mean until you make her ready. She will be ready soonest if you follow the stuff in here. The methods here are not a luxury slow method. They are what has been proven time and time again in hundreds of sitchs.
Yes, it is hard. Yes you will feel like crap. We have most all been or are there currently. You also can do it.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
You filled out the papers for her? Do you want a divorce? Why would you help her with that?
I know I know... I wanted her to feel comfortable mainly, and to let her know I agree with her our marriage is dead, but I believe we can have a new and better relationship.
Over the past few years I've had a history of not doing things I should have done, or told her I would do. I needed to keep my word on that one. Ive learned I also need to keep my mouth shut so stuff like that doesn't fly out again
She told me last night she did not do anything with the papers. Plus there is a lot she still has to do...
But as of 060818, 1200 PM - I am in full LRT mode.
I appreciate your thoughts!
H: 47 W:49 M: 17 BD: 5/20/18 OM discovered - still in contact as of 06/07/18. W says she is moving out 9/1/18
And for someone whose instincts have usually been correct (ie discovering affair when she denied), I want to trust them... and I have to learn when it comes to W, I cannot.