I'm Broken II

[HelenaJ]

Thank you LW and thanks V for checking up on me.

Mostly want to avoid people and activities but I think part of that is monthly hormones. I cried twice yesterday and once already today. I see everyone here go through the ups and downs, some days you feel strong and some days you want to hide under the covers. Today I want to hide under the covers but instead I m on my way to Annapolis to tour the Naval Academy with the family and then headed to NJ for a soccer tournament for D15. I have been able to cope ok with my new circumstances as long as I m in my surroundings and in my routine. When I go outside of that I really struggle.

My sister texted me and wants to come visit. Unfortunately since she is my confidante, she pretty much hates my H. She can t come during the time he is out of town so she was wanting to stay at a hotel. I told her to just hold off bc the kids would wonder why she wasn t staying at our house and everything would just be weird. Like, I can t just ask H to stay home while we go hang out with her. So, feeling sad and isolated like things just keep getting worse.

I am hard on myself sometimes bc I won t accept these circumstances-we can t really go on unless I do. I feel like if only I wasn t so resentful and unaccepting we could at least have a pleasant daily life. Other days I m like eff him, he has created the saddest and ruthless terms for my life because of his pride and ego and the situation we are in is bc of those terms not my refusal to accept them. But then there ARE those things I did....it s a cruel back and forth dialogue inside my head that exhausts me and makes me feel like the most worthless person. I don t know how to stop it.

On a brighter note, as S5 built his Thomas the train tracks last night, he told us that he loves life.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer, that s why I haven t posted much, just not in a good place at the moment. I also feel like my situation is much different than what many here are going through and the ones who have provided feedback I think probably won t continue to do so bc my situation upsets them to the point that they can t help.

Anyway, V you mentioned having some feedback on a post from my last thread and said you would elaborate later. Did you decide not to intentionally or just been busy? I know you ve got your exam coming up any day now.

Thanks for listening and thinking of me.



Edit - bolded items are the reason that this post disappeared