New Year, new thinking..

[Rita]

Coly, I read your thread last week and just kept thinking about it. The lovey text followed by the husbandly behavior of assuring you he could take care of things. It reminds me a lot of how my H rollercoasters, except I have not received a sign of affection for more than 5 years.

Reading your posts, I saw your H so clearly in a deep spiritual battle, seriously battling the two forces at work his heart -- good and evil, that is. He is confused, and that is a good thing! (It's way better than the monster and the certainty that he wants to get as far away as possible -- I mean, if you want to keep yourself open to restoration someday.)

I don't know if you are hoping for restoration, but when I read your thread I kept thinking that on a deep level, one he is not even be conscious of right now, he wants to take care of you and is aware of a deep tie to you. My H does this too -- he will have a burst of helping and calling himself my husband and then he will disappear. But I don't have the same response as what folks here are advising or what you decided to do. I take care of myself and live my own life, but anytime he shows initiative in taking care of us or anything like that, I accept with total openness and as much kindness as I can muster. I try to show him that I admire and respect his efforts, if there is an opening for me to do that.

These guys are broken wrecks and feel worthless. I see the point of setting boundaries, of course, but I don't see the point of forcing yourself to harden your heart so much that you can't accept kindness or allow them to feel worthy of doing something good for you. In fact, I see this as a slavery. Ultimately, my H may never come back, I know that, and I know that nothing I do can make him come back or love me again. But I don't want to be enslaved by bitterness or hardness of heart or anger or unforgiveness either. It's very hard sometimes not to, because when your heart stays open, it feels raw, and it can hurt a lot more. But ultimately every time I choose this way, I have peace and every time I choose to have a hard line, I become way more anxious. I think you can have boundaries that will help you heal and set some limits on certain behaviors (e.g., monstering or talking about OW), but if you can stay open and accept kindness without ever asking for it, I think you will be the one to feel liberated. Kept woman?! What the heck?! You are not a kept woman! You are his WIFE! There is nothing disgusting about your relationship, you can't be sullied by his bad choices.

I get it, I felt this way at times too. But it's not a fog you have to stay in.

I hope that makes sense and isn't too forceful. You'll see if you read my posts that I do struggle with confusion about what to say/do in many instances, mostly about finances because my H is so irrational and unreasonable about that. But I am in this standing thing for God, and so I try to keep my eye on the true freedom that I want, which is freedom from hatred, despair, hardened heart, etc, no matter what my H does.