new...need help understanding situation?

[sandi2]

At the core of a wayward W's heart is resentment and disrespect. Your W has held resentment for years. You remember sharing an incident where your W pulled up something from the past, and you were surprised that it still bothered her? This is an example of what I mean. Whether it is unmet emotional needs, unmet expectations, or hurts and disappointments......it is not resolved within her heart. She tries to push it down in order to keep going onward, but that thing is still there.....festering. Strange thing about resentment, it seems to breed more resentment quite easily. Eventually this deep resentment affects her feelings of respect for you as her husband and as a man. The woman is designed where her feelings of love for her H is tied to the level of respect she has for him. That's why when her respect is lowered, her loving feelings lower, as well.

A wife will try to talk about it to her H, but it is not in a language he understands, so the problem is never resolved. Over time, a rebellion begins to form, and her mindset begins to change. By the time she overtly rebels against her M, her H is completely dumbfounded.

WW's all have various degrees as to how they act out their rebellion. But, one thing they all seem to have in common is the ability to completely shock their trusting H. Just as you were so sure your W was not guilty of any behavior I had mentioned in my threads. Were you referring to continuous behavior? As long as the H will act like her friend and not push any buttons, and let her do anything she wants without any questions.......he won't get so much static from her. But just try putting your foot down, and you will see a different story!

After bdrop a few months ago we were actually getting along really well. I was hoping that maybe she would realize the benefits in staying married.

I am going to get very plain with you. If I sound snarky or harsh or whatever, I am not feeling that way toward you. I feel that way toward waywardness and how many H's are duped. First, I am going to tell you something that I already know you won't take as seriously as you should......but here goes: She is all about what benefits her most. Don't try to talk or persuade her into anything.....including staying in the M. You provide a nice standard of living, and are father to her children. There are probably other pro's that go along with being M to you, but I am going to get painfully honest here. You just don't do it for her anymore. Know what I mean? You don't excite her. You don't turn her on. You haven't in a long while. And before you start telling me about her cycle, I want you to understand that I am not talking about physically turning her on. Although important, I am talking about how a man can excite a woman when he is standing across the room from her, or talking to her on the phone, or just smiles at her. Chemistry! Attraction! Admiration! She doesn't feel it in the M any longer. She tried to tell you, remember? And FWIW, if she felt any of those feelings for you, she would have already been to a doctor about her cycle. All that stuff she's been telling you about not wanting to take meds or whatever, is b.s. But it works quite well at holding you at bay, right? She may not even be going three weeks out of the month........you aren't for sure. And while I am being plain.......those mood swings you put down as due to her cycle? I'd risk a monthly paycheck in betting those are not due to her cycle, but rather just old WW disrespect. I bet she doesn't show that moddiness around the guys at work.

Oh sure, telling the MC you want to work on better communication is fine for her.......as long as she can have her secrets and private life without your intrusion. She'll remain in the M and act like roommates, as long as she can continue going out whenever and wherever, and doing whatever with whomever. You see, what the MR doesn't provide......she'll get elsewhere. Therefore, she gets the best of both worlds. And being a man with nice guy syndrome, you'll keep making excuses for her.

Whenever a WW is in the sitch, the H has to use tough love.....if he ever hopes to have her heart.

Fast forward to last week, I accidentally discover that my wife recent applied to rent a house with my 3 kids and didnt tell me a thing. I was absolutely floored. Hurt beyone belief. I confronted her and she said that it was no big deal and that shes been looking periodically since we started having difficulty in our relationship. I reminded her about our agreement and asked why couldnt she tell me if things had changed? She dismissed it as no big deal and that she wasnt moving. She also layed blame on me again like she does typically when shes in the wrong and/or i catch her doing something.

This is what we call WW script. In other words, all WW's say practically the same thing, as if they were all reading the same script. A lot of their actions/behavior are script, also. Of course it is a big deal that she was secretly looking for another place to live, and to move your children! But the WW turns if off as "no big deal", you are just getting worked up for nothing....calm down. Yeah, right! You cannot trust her. Do not believe a single word that comes out of her mouth. Every word may not be a lie, but you won't know.....so you can't afford to believe or trust her. This is not the girl you M!! She will not honor commitments or agreements made with you. She has lied and betrayed you. You cannot deal with her like maybe you once did. It won't work b/c she has drastically changed. She is no longer logical, therefore, you can't reason with her. Neither can you nice her back. There is only one thing waywards respect, and that is strength.

So, Mr. Nice Guy..........you won't be able to sit in a MC session or have a nice chat with her and work out the issues that got your MR into this pathetic mess. However, you can change how you think & act, and stand a reasonable chance is saving your M. I strongly suggest you google nice guy syndrome and learn all you can about it.

Im really going thru a tough time. Not eating good, losing weight and stressed to the max. Is it possible i can salvage our marriage and do i even want to if shes having an affair? I know that i really loved my wife deeply and im sick to my stomach with the thought of her in someone elses arms! Any help is so very much appreciated....signed down n out!

((hugs)) I'm sorry if I spoke too roughly, but I want you to wake up and realize you cannot use some standard M program that is only wanting your money, or some dime store book on "how to make your M better" psychology. It doesn't work with a WW. Even MWD says in her DR that both spouses have to be willing to work on the M. I can tell ya, the WW ain't willing! Can you salvage the M? Well, I don't like the word, "salvage", but you might be able to create a new relationship. There is one huge requirement, though. It take b@lls. If you don't have b@lls, then forget it, b/c she will eat your nice guy ways for breakfast.

As for as your health is concern.......you can decide you are your own best friend and start taking care of you. Don't expect sympathy or concern from your WW. You will have to stop seeing and thinking of her as your old W, or it will drive you crazy.

You don't want her back b/c she feels sorry for you, or b/c she feels guilty, or b/c she can't make financially without you, etc. you want her back b/c she loves you and wants you.

You can decide you will learn how to fight in a whole new way. That's entirely up to you. I am not going to push you, b/c you have to decide if it's worth it. But if you decide you want to learn how........then stick with us. One thing.........you need to post regularly. When you don't post often, the situation is forgotten among the other dozens on the board. People lose interest. Posting often, keeps it fresh in our minds and interest. Plus, you can stay on top of what you need to be doing.