Thanks for your responses 25, Nicole, LoneWlf, Natash and Rose.

I do not want to paint myself as an innocent victim in the hands of a monster. H has been a very loving and supportive person prior BD. I definitely have issues that I should work on but nothing to me justifies a D.
I understand WASs think differently so patience is a huge 180 for me and I actually think I have been doing that well although the imminent D doesnt make it seem so
Ours is a classic case of a very busy couple failing to scale up to the hard work and responsibilites that come with having children. While I thought we were ready for baby 2, after BD H says he never was. Like all the other things he brings up now, this was never once voiced.
But he has continued to be a good father to D3, accepted baby after a few months but now is very affectionate towards her and takes good care of her.

Quote:
do you believe you were controlling to your husband? Is that something you recognize in yourself

Nicole, Upon reflection I have realized I have been short tempered, critical and especially the last year in bad moods because I had felt H did not contribute much at home and I had to manage a toddler, house hold chores while pregnant. I failed to communicate this in a loving way and was nagging him.
I have not controlled his behavior but he has said he feels I have ruled him with guilt
I always plan life ahead and have a fall back plan, be it career or personal life and he seemed to be a willing partner until now, he now says early on he realized there was not much use arguing once I made up my mind so he just stopped trying. Unfortunately I was not aware and he has built resentment internally, again all my analysis I may be completely off.
The cruel irony is that this is so out of my control and H was the only one I never had a back up plan for, to me it was for life.
Quote:

And for a grown man to need to go find himself b/c his wife, who just had his second child, is "controlling", reeks of excuse making

25, He has complained of depression for over a year now without seeking any help for it. I still believe what we have is a marital crisis and he is throwing away our MR for how he sees things now.

Quote:

At times forgetting our own - codependency. After doing this for a while it becomes normal and we tend to lose ourselves.

Lonewlf, this definitely could have happened to us. I understand now that it was a very enmeshed and codependent MR, H just decided having met young and married young he has missed out on things he would have done otherwise.
Quote:

The conclusion I came to was I had certain expectations and, like you said, I made my decisions based on what is best for our family.

Natash, in my sitch I probably would have thought doing what I did was best for us too but H never voiced his disagreements.


Not to wallow in self pity, but what [censored] in my sitch is he hit me at my lowest, shut down soon after my delivery and BDd when baby was 2 months. I probably suffered more because of the state I was in postpartum and made all the mistakes of begging, crying, pursuit but did not lose patience.
I will never give up on the MR, because I still believe our sitch does not warrant a D, my babies deserve a parents full time and because H has been a loving, respectable person in the past.
But doing this while enforcing boundaries is healthy for me and the kids, I am so grateful to everyone who is able to advise me through this.