Thanks Gordie. Ive stopped doing the pretzel dance. It isnt worth it. I think the change in me happened when I finally accepted that she was moving out and that our marriage was over. That wasn't something that I could talk myself in to understanding, it just had happened. Now I dont need to bend over backwards because whats the point if its over. I realize I never actually needed to, and that the marriage may not actually be over, but that realization is more of a theoretical one, the feeling that I have is that I don't need to act that way and that it is over.
Kids are doing OK, but hard to tell sometimes. They are strong willed and it takes a lot to ruffle their feathers. What I am pretty sure is going on with them is that they dont like the fact that she is moving, they dont like how she acts, and they dont want to live in 2 places, but they roll with the flow. D acts out a bit towards wife, although not always. The relationship is strained but not broken. S doesnt really show any negative signs (other than the day she told them she was moving out) but when I am able to get him to open up a little, he doesnt like what she is doing either. I feel like the kids and I are a happy family and W is more like a cool aunt with them.
Sad and interesting thing came up a couple days ago. We were out having diner with Ws brother and his family (her family loves me and is totally on my side even though they support her decisions because they love her too) and W got a call that caused her to get up from the table teary eyed and go outside to continue the call. The call was from her other brother and he was calling after a memorial service for another family member out of state. In chatting with family, he had discovered that their father (who we still are close with-his lake house referenced above) had some sort of sexual relations with their cousin while she stayed with them when younger. I believe she was at least of age (not that it makes it much better) but it was not mutual desire. Her brother was upset and called W to see if their dad had ever done anything to W. W admitted that he would often have inappropriate intimate cuddling and touching, but it was never actually sexual. I believe more has come to the surface and the family is now up in arms about it all. W is in the process of trying to move out so I am not really privy to all the conversations, but this is family history that I did not know about.
Last night I was sitting on the back porch and W came out and sat too. After a while she asked if I was OK. I thought it a weird question as she does not ask this and I don't think I had done anything to indicate that there was anything wrong. I said I was good and then asked how she was (think she was fishing for me to ask). She explained about having a conversation with her mom about the stuff with her dad and meeting with her brother and cousin over the weekend to talk. Also said her dad had been calling her but that she had not answered or called back. I told her that I was sorry that she had to deal with that and it must be difficult. Tried to just listen, she was obviously distressed. I didnt try to solve anything or offer suggestions, just tried to listen and validate.
This conversation and the revelation of the stuff with her dad and childhood has really got me thinking. I still feel detached from her emotionally, but I find myself wondering if this is some of the stuff that helped cause her MLC to begin with...if this is maybe the childhood trauma that she needs to work through. Guess it doesnt matter that much as she has to work through what she has to work through and it may or may not mean anything in regards to our relationship, but I cant help but wonder.
Well, Ive written another book here. Maybe I should post more often so each one doesnt have to be a novel.
