Affair discovered 2

[STH17]

She's going to a party and doesn't want you along? My suggestion is to take separate vehicles. You leave whenever you like, without having to wait for her, or even communicate while there. Look, you are either separated or you aren't. If you are separated, then you should act/show that you're separated. That's JMHO.

I would take separate vehicles, but we only have one that would make that trip. Maybe I could tell her I'm taking that car, and she can ride in the back seat. Or she can take the other car since she didn't mind driving it an hour last weekend. She even asked me yesterday if I would watch our son after the party she's going to because there's somewhere else she wants to go. The shakiness in her voice and her fidgeting told me she's up to no good. Since I hadn't confronted her yet, I just said, yeah I'll watch our son. I'm not going to control her behavior by forcing her to take our son. Not going to use son in that way. Anyway, since that party is this weekend, and she starts her 3-hour therapy session tomorrow, tonight seems like a good time to take the bed and confront her. She can talk about it in therapy, if she has the guts. I am really curious if she has been open about her affair in therapy.

Here's my suggestion in how to confront her......and taking back the MBR, of that's the route you want to take. I would simply go get in the bed, and when she protests, you tell her that this sleeping arrangement is not working for you. "Since you are the one who has opened the door to a third party, I no longer feel compelled to accommodate your sleeping preferences. You can sleep here or elsewhere, but I am staying". You know, of course, she'll claim you are being abusive.

This is pretty much how I'm envisioning it going and how I planned to go about it. A very compassionate friend thought I should tell her I'm taking the bed before just lying down in it. Just lying in the bed and taking it seems a little passive-aggressive. Or does just taking the bed make it a stronger message like "of course I'm taking the bed and you have no right to keep me out of it."

Give an example of one of your needs. Learning to do this in the right time frame is very important.

I guess what I mean here is simply that I have a need not to be cuckolded, and that's what it feels like to not confront W about the affair, and to just agree to watch son so she can go out alone. I know it won't stop her if she knows I know, but I wa I don't give up my bed to a woman who is having an affair and doesn't have the decency to tell me.

Why is it necessary to tell her you don't want a D?

This was supposed to also be so I would be in integrity with my values for my commitment to the marriage. But insisting I don't want a divorce in no way helps me stop the divorce or my W's waywardness, right? I think now it's just more about telling W to do most of the work of the divorce, because I've got my own life to carry on with. I thought I would take a stand by telling her she'll have to file by herself rather than jointly with me, but I'm not sure I gain anything from that anymore either. I want W to return to the marriage, and I don't believe it is "irretrievably broken", but that is just me knowing that W could repair our relationship if she so chose. People come back from worse, right?