Affair discovered 2

[sandi2]

I don't think a good IC would call you an unforgiving abuser unless there were some truly horrendous circumstances, and if that were the case, then the IC should be telling your wife to run away as quickly as possible. So, I smell a rat.

I am smelling something, too.

Anyone can claim someone has been emotionally abusive. You could be a little quite one day b/c you just weren't feeling physically well.......and she could claim you were being withdrawn and cold. See what I mean? While in her IC sessions, she could have over dramatized your behavior and had the counselor agreeing you were emotionally abusive. Heck, I could explain my H's actions and a counselor would say it was emotional abuse! However, I know the truth.

For my part, I won't deny the accusation of emotional abuse anymore after having read just some of the Stosny book. I think that book is a great resource I need more time with. I haven't talked about it with W.

Her IC and your IC to use the abuse word. Yet, you have not told us how you abused her emotionally. Can you tell us? If you can't, then I have to question the counselors.

I suggest you not mention the book to your W. The less said to her about you being her abuser, the better. Actions are what count.

she is doing it in a spiteful and bitter way. But maybe it just feels that way to me because she is rejecting me. Or it feels like rejection to me when it is really more about her self-protection.

She is acting like a selfish WW. I want you to stop believing you are a monster that deserves anything she throws in your face. Understand? If you made mistakes, then stop repeating those behaviors and start acting in a healthy way. If you don't know how, then become educated. You are so beaten down, and I could see why......having counselors accuse you of emotionally abusing your W. I have seen emotional abuse in action, and although I am no expert..........(well, I will keep the rest of those comments for another time).

As far as I know, affair started after separation. Never any inappropriate behavior in the past like flirting, though over the span of our relationship I can think of three or four men she has talked about with a kind of admiration I never heard her speak of me. Like she would have crushes, but maybe her self-esteem was too low to flirt.

These "crushes" sound as if they were emotional affairs. She could have an emotional affair with one of these guys, and he might never suspect she had feelings for him. Most times, IMHO, it is some romantic fantasy she has about the guy. If she feeds that fantasy, it can grow to the point of really affecting her R with her H.

. I felt jealous and anxious when she talked like that, but I thought I shouldn't make a big deal of it so I didn't talk about it.

Did you ever consider that she was trying to make you jealous?

That's how I approached all conflicts or negative thoughts/resentments towards my wife, and I think that's why I ended up emotionally abusing her, because I didn't know what to do with those feelings I thought I wasn't supposed to have about her.

My H did the very same thing. It made me act worse! I was trying to get some kind of response out of him. He was like a piece of dead wood. Nothing! I thought I could be scr@wing some guy in the front yard and my H would show no reaction. But when I really did have an A, I saw a side of him I never wanted to see again.

I have met with a lawyer for a consultation. I think W has told me she has done the same, though I haven't told W I have met with a lawye

Okay, good. Don't volunteer to tell her that you've met with one, but if she asks, just say that you have, and leave it at that. As much as you may hate this, you have to look out for your best interests from this point forward. She does not feel love or compassion toward you, and she doesn't want to save the M. Rather than you trying to prove to her what an improved H you would be if she'd only give it a chance.......you have to look at the MR as two entities. Do this to get a balanced perspective of your situation.

She has been given the role of victim, while you've been labeled abuser. Whether that is true or exaggerated, you need to stop looking the guilty part. IMHO, her actions appear more vindictive than self-protective. At any rate, don't bring up the topic of abuse. Stop sharing topic discussions about the books you are reading, or how you are "working to improve yourself", and things of that nature. The more that subject is brought up, the more she is going to use it to destroy whatever is left of the M. I'm not saying this is something to be swept under the rug, but as stated previously, something doesn't smell quite right. Let her work it out with her therapist and you work it out with yours. Make sense?

I already knew about the party this weekend, and that she didn't want me to go with her. No big deal there, but my sister's son is being baptized and I wanted to go to that. Since both things are 2 hours away in our shared hometown, we will be driving together. That will be an awkward drive

She's going to a party and doesn't want you along? My suggestion is to take separate vehicles. You leave whenever you like, without having to wait for her, or even communicate while there. Look, you are either separated or you aren't. If you are separated, then you should act/show that you're separated. That's JMHO.

Here's my suggestion in how to confront her......and taking back the MBR, of that's the route you want to take. I would simply go get in the bed, and when she protests, you tell her that this sleeping arrangement is not working for you. "Since you are the one who has opened the door to a third party, I no longer feel compelled to accommodate your sleeping preferences. You can sleep here or elsewhere, but I am staying". You know, of course, she'll claim you are being abusive.

If you actually fear some physical altercation from her, then you need to find somewhere else to live, until all of this has been settled. If you think she would physically attack you, or call the cops and falsely accuse you of something.........then it's not worth it, IMHO. I would be looking for another place, and filing for a D, but that's just me! That's not anti-DBing, that's being safe and protecting yourself and your future custody rights.

You have to weigh everything and decide which is most important to you. Is it more important for you to sleep in your bed again? Is it more important to let her know you are aware of her A? Are you willing to deal with her reaction? That's something only you can answer.

I read in DR today that it is necessary to put one's own needs aside while DBing. A 180 for me though is to actually voice my needs.

Give an example of one of your needs. Learning to do this in the right time frame is very important.

I never did clarify to W that I would not fight a divorce if W files herself, but that she needs to file separately. My therapist still wants me to have that conversation with W, and I am supposed to practice it with my therapist tomorrow in my appointment, along with confronting about affair, if that is the best thing to do. I'm starting to think it's not, but don't know what else to do which will help me recover my own core value and make decisions for my future rather than letting W drag me along for a ride.

Why is it necessary to tell her you don't want a D?

Look, I am here to try and support who I can. I am for saving the M whenever possible. Sometimes, a period of physical separation helps the couple to focus on themselves rather than the faults of each other. Whenever the abuse word is being used a lot, I especially think a period of physical separation is needed, in order to heal and have a better chance of reconciliation in the future. I think in-house separation is one of the most damaging things a LBS can do. These are just my thoughts.