Affair discovered 2

[STH17]

Is that what the counselor told you? That you were an unforgiving abuser? That counselor used some very harsh words and they took a heavy toll on you. Did this counselor have IC sessions with your W before ever having a joint session?

Do you see yourself as a man who abused his W, or are you learning from the book you mentioned? Again I have to ask........how did you abuse her emotionally.

Minor correction, I wrote unforgivable, not unforgiving. And no, those are not the words the MC used. In fact I remember it more like him trying to break the news gently to both of us that my behavior amounted to emotional abuse, but that he was saying that more as a diagnosis and place to start healing from for both of us, not as any kind of harsh accusation towards me or pronouncement that our relationship was unrecoverable. But I think that revelation with the label gave W something to point to as the source of all her unhappiness, i.e. it was my fault because she was the victim of emotional abuse. That same appointment was the last one we did together with MC and it was decided he would work with W alone, at W's request and counselor's recommendation. That was supposed to be for her to heal, and was also about the same time I started staying with friends. I feel like MC left me hanging, and should have continued guiding me as well.

As for how I have emotionally abused W, I think that is easiest to answer by being honest with the resentments I've had toward her. I resented her for spending money on things I thought were unnecessary and not budgeting with me in a way that allowed me to have equal spending. I'm a saver, she's a spender. I criticized most purchases she made. Most decisions she made or wanted to make, I suggested something that I thought was better, and often wouldn't let it go if she disagreed with me. I think that's been a big one, not supporting her decisions.
I've never been comfortable with unpleasant emotions, always wanting to banish them from myself and others around me, so I would tell my wife she shouldn't feel certain things, like she shouldn't be as hurt as she was by something someone did to her, because that person probably didn't mean to hurt her. That's the kind of thing I tell myself, and it works for me (well I thought it did, maybe it just represses my emotions). But that was invalidating of W's emotions, and she stopped feeling safe talking to me. It's like my response to her feeling bad was just "don't feel that way, you shouldn't feel that way".
I am learning from the Stosney book that walling off my own emotions from both myself and my W is a form of emotional abuse towards her as well. I would shut down in the face of W's criticism, because I felt inadequate. Conversations with W about difficult subjects would often result in long silences from me, not sure what to say, leaving W in an anxious state feeling abandoned. Those kinds of interactions are the ones I've been most resistant to the abuse label, since I typically was feeling helpless myself, not intentionally stonewalling. So I still have to sort that out but the book is helping me do that. I see that W and I both have been hurt by each other, and I want to be a better person myself.

Do you see yourself as a man who abused his W, or are you learning from the book you mentioned?

I do accept that my behavior was emotionally abusive, but I do not see myself as "a man who abused his wife" as though that is my identity. I am a man who loves his wife and son and is worthy of being loved. That's the kind of self-respect I want to reclaim by confronting W about the affair. After writing this I still feel conflicted about it though.