Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[44tries]

44 this is huge. And you are in a better place than a lot of LBHs. Most of us had acted our way out of being trusted and having our WAWs feel close to use. It occurred slowly and over a long period of time.

I am definitely grateful that there is still some warmth between W and I, and that all aspects of our relationship are not at a very low place. Don't get me wrong, there is obviously some level of closeness that we are missing. The intimacy slowly faded similarly to what you describe. It's like we have the closeness you might have with your best friend, but there should be more (as Sandi says, best friend is a demotion from spouse).

This is why following sandi's advice right now is so important! She knows what it takes for a WW to start respecting their H again. Some of it will feel unnatural, unsafe, and even wrong. But it is like standing up to the bully at school. It feels unnatural because he is 6'4" and 250lbs of muscle. It feels unsafe because it will likely get you beat up. It feels wrong because running away feels right. But standing up to him, while the above is true and you will get beat up, will earn his respect.

100%. Sandi is my guiding light and the perfect person to help with my particular problem. I try to follow all her advice as fully as possible. Your bully analogy is spot on; in fact my W has called herself a bully more than once so it might not even be a metaphor!

You've got the right attitude. Knowing that wrong steps will undermine you, which will help you remain diligent. Don't give in to your instincts to do those wrong steps, stay strong, and make her respect you!

Thanks for the encouragement, Steve. I strive to change my instinctual urges everyday. It's one thing to fight them (which is hard enough as it is), but I will consider it a real success when my instincts are shifted and no longer lead me down the wrong paths. Until then, I keep my eye on the ball and take the steps I know I need to, regardless.