Newbie In Need Of Guidance #3

[rminer]

It's been almost three weeks since my last post and a few things have taken place.

My W went out with my sister one evening a few weeks ago.

As a little background, I did tell my sister about the A about a week after I confirmed it. I needed to talk to someone and she was the only one I could turn to, so...

The following day I spoke with her and she told me about the evening. She said that my W started a conversation about our M (not the A though) without being prompted and much of what she said mirrored what my W told me - that she feels our M was hurt by the house and wants to be rid of it. My sister suggested that all of my work on the house was for my W (the same thing I told my W but did not say to my sister) and my W agreed, but still wants to dump it. My W also said that it is hard to be married to someone who doesn't want to be with you.

She did acknowledge that I am making an effort to do more with her and the family though.

My sister also told me that they talked a lot about our R and my W kept saying she wants to move out of this state. She gave me the advice that I should make it happen quickly If I think it will save my our M.

I asked if she thought my W was still in the M or has checked out. She said that my W is still in it from what she could tell and that the way my W was talking, she thought it sounded like the A was over. I know it isn't though...


The following evening my W and I went to a concert in a very small venue - approximately 200 people - and then to dinner. It was probably the best time we have had together so far. On the way out, I put my hand behind me to lead through the crowd and she took it voluntarily, which is something new. On the way in I gave her a compliment on her appearance and the new dress she bought for the occasion. Her response was not "thank you" or something similar. It was more like she didn't think I was being scincere or was just being nice. Most of the time I give her a compliment this is how she reacts now.

A few days later she asked me if I would go to the store with her to look for some tile. The youngest two kids ended up going too and on the way, my W reached over, took my hand and held it all of the way to the store. On the way home, I reached over and took hers. We ended up forgetting something, so we had to run back out and on the way, she again took my hand. This time, out of habit, I kissed it and she smiled. This is something I have always done 90% of the time she holds my hand. On the way back I took hers again. It was kind of comical in a way - each exchanging gestures - but she seemed to like it. We have been in the car together multiple times since and I was waiting to see if she would do it again, but she hasn't. Three days ago we were in the car again, so I took the initiative to take her hand thinking maybe she was waiting for me. I again got a smile.

There have been a few other behavioral changes as well. One time she came home to find me doing my laundry and she apologized for not getting to it. A few days ago I was putting some of my clothes in the wash again. She noticed and insisted that she do it instead of me. I don't mean "Hey, I'll do that for you," I mean she all but pushed me out of the way. I didn't say anything about her not doing it or make a big deal of it either time. I simply started doing it and these are the reactions I received.

She has told me she likes me twice in one form or another. Once I made a joke and she replied "just when I started liking you again" and once I took a drink of her beverage without asking and she said "you're lucky I like you" like she used to do. May not mean anything, but it is new.

My W also seems concerned about how I feel about her too. I proposed an idea that would affect both of us and she shot it down. I wasn't happy about it, but I understood and didn't make a big deal of it. She was concerned that I thought she was being the bad guy and started backtracking on her decision. I told her it was fine and let it go. Two nights ago I came home to find something new in the house, asked where it came from and got a generic answer. Yesterday she felt the need to text me and ask if I was upset about the purchase and explain to me where it came from.

We have a wedding coming up this weekend and she asked me to go clothes shopping with her. While we were out she was asking my opinion on the dresses she was trying on, which I would expect, but she actually took my advice. The following day she started texting me pictures of the shoes she was looking at asking my opinion, which is something she would normally reserve for our daughters. She never asks my opinion on shoes.

My W also made the comment as we were passing a jewelry counter that she wishes that we should have gotten platinum wedding bands since she likes silver better. She still doesn't wear her wedding rings. Doesn't mean a whole lot, but I found it interesting that she would say it...

She is also being more transparent about things, telling me when she goes out, who she is with and when she will be home. Last week she told me that an ex-boyfriend from high school contacted her (I knew him too, but we were just acquaintances) and they talked for awhile. She also told me the things he was saying to her. I told her that he was hitting on her and she responded that "he was just being sweet and besides, he's married." I again said that he was witting on her, then slipped and said "people don't respect wedding rings anymore." Dead silence. Oops.


She has also given me her entire schedule for the summer, including her itinerary for the vacation she is taking with her friends, down to where they will be and what they will be doing each day. I asked for none of this except for what involved me.

My W has also booked accommodations for the family vacation she is planning for us. She has booked hotels for the two of us this fall for Homecoming for the college we went to and for a concert we are going to see in the city, thinking we can make it an all day event.


My W and D21 finally had their talk a few weeks ago and things seem to be improving between them somewhat. I asked D21 a few general questions about it, telling her she doesn't need to give me details and asked her if she feels better. She said she does, but my W still denied the A when D21 brought it up to her during the conversation.

Overall, there really hasn't been anything negative going on between us as far as interactions go. More and more it is seeming that we are a married couple again, minus the intimacy. I know this will never be the case as long as the OM is still around, but it is the way things are seeming.

We were at a Scout event last weekend, which both my W and OM were at. I could tell from their interactions that there is still something there, so I know the A isn't over.


At this point I have to decide if this is the right time to confront about the A. She is showing a lot of signs of coming back and is showing quite a bit of warmth towards me which seem very genuine. I don't know if these signs are real, or just part of an elaborate hoax to keep things as they are.

What I am doing seems to be working, at least on the surface, but I have no way to tell for sure.