So now I am getting the silent treatment when W comes to get D. Expected it but thought her being away a while might have changed her feeling. Nope. Did not react, just shrugged and went on. Any comments on that one or anything I should have done different
Ballast, of course you are allowed to have off days, that's part of what these forums are good for is venting and letting it all out when you're having a crappy day!
Originally Posted By: ballast
Also I think too much which tells me that while I do not engage W, I am not detached as I need to be.
Yes and yes. But it comes with time. My mind spun like a damned whirligig all day and all night for months. I remember laying in bed more than once just thinking to myself that I wished I could flip a switch to turn my mind off because I was driving myself crazy. But there is no switch, it's more of a rheostat that sloooooowly turns down over time. DB'ing is as much about being patient with yourself as it is with your WAS.
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Best I can say on my faults is that after our D would go down for the night instead of retiring with my W, Id watch sports or use the computer or work on my car.
How dare you behave like a normal person! Seriously though, guess what. If you had spent all that time doting on your W instead, you'd probably have gotten a BD earful about how "clingy" and "desperate" you are. Most of us get BD'd at the end of a pretty normal and uneventful marriage that many others out there would kill to be in. Why? There's the rub. There is no "why". Why did my ex tell me in tears that I needed to take care of my health because if anything ever happened to me she wouldn't be able to survive, and 6 months later was BD'ing me telling me she was just done being married? The answers lie on a different plain of existence, LOL!
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The W I had as a person I fell in love with was what I cherished most in my life. To feel like she is gone now replaced by someone else and I can not directly interact with her leaves me unspeakably sad sometimes.
Of course it does. It's not a lot different then grieving for a loved one that has died. Some (me) might argue it's harder in fact.
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And Stander I wouldnt question anything is possible. Just hard to see from my current aperture my friend.
Believe me, I get it. But here's the thing, hope is a wonderful feeling. When you have hope, then anything is possible. I started out feeling like recon was impossible and I was defeated before the race even started. But then I said you know what, even if the odds are against me I AM GOING TO BEAT THE ODDS. I became convinced that I would eventually recon. That hope had me waking up happy each day, secure that I COULD turn this around. Once hope blossomed inside me I found everything easier to do, I started enjoying life again. I became a positive force to everyone. I hoped and hoped and hoped until one day I realized I was no longer hoping for recon, but just hoping to live a better life and be a better me. The irony is the hope for recon is what drove me to recovery, and when I recovered recon didn't even matter anymore. I can't stress enough what a powerful force hope is, people come here with zero hope and it is hard to turn them around on that but you do have EVERYTHING to hope for. HOPE FOR RECON!!!!! Why not? What do you lose by having hope? NO ONE CAN TAKE HOPE FROM YOU!
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I was thinking about sitchs that resolve prior to a divorce specifically in my case within a year given my W seemingly hell bent countdown clock.
The example I gave you is a real life example from a good friend who helped me through some of the most difficult parts of my sitch. Again I'm telling you to avoid the "stinking thinking", why not focus on positive stories like my friend's instead of negative ones? You could be reconciled in a couple of years like my friend enjoying great sex and closeness like never before, or you could be divorced and enjoying great sex and closeness like never before with someone new like I am!
I KNOW you are going to emerge from this bigger, better, bolder, stronger, more independent. The trick is getting YOU to know it
Best I can say on my faults is that after our D would go down for the night instead of retiring with my W, Id watch sports or use the computer or work on my car. As we had spent the time while D was up together, I thought I was giving W some needed HER time. Only other fault I can say is that I was not wanting sex all the time.
AnotherStander said it best -- welcome to being human my friend.
Regarding your desire to apologize, I'll let you in on a little secret: that is your brain DESPERATELY trying to find a justification for a little pursuit.
You're hoping that it will open the door to an earnest R talk and you'll be able to make some progress or get W to show even a little emotion.
Most people who go this route are disappointed by the reaction they get, and then they feel even worse.
There may come a time, *once you are detached*, when you *may* want to apologize for some things in order to get closure *for you*. That will be a personal integrity thing, and will be done with *zero* expectations for anything coming out of it, and really no response will be necessary, because it will be for you.
There will be time for this later -- now is not the time.
As far as W giving you the cold shoulder or silent treatment?
Take some advice from Mike Damone:
Mike Damone : I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.
Mark Ratner : Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.
Mike Damone : That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.
Mark Ratner : The attitude?
Mike Damone : Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.
When W is working hard to ignore you, you give her the attitude -- it doesn't matter what she does or doesn't do, your toes are still tappin'.
(And remember, when it does come time to reconcile or date, when it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.)
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
So now I am getting the silent treatment when W comes to get D. Expected it but thought her being away a while might have changed her feeling. Nope. Did not react, just shrugged and went on. Any comments on that one or anything I should have done different
Just smile, say bye to DD and enjoy yourselves.
Let W be passive aggressive if she wants to be.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Stander everything you said I completely get and very much appreciate! The only part I can't relate to/see is R'd with W in a couple of years. Just feel like it's do or die for us R wise only until W can file. I just can't see R'ing years after D. W is a very black/white, open/shut personality.
ACC...LOL that my approach in the most trying time of my life should be contained in Fast Times at Ridgemont High...I don't "think" I said I wanted to apologize for anything to W. I mean as best I can say I feel like I didn't spend enough US time with her after D went down and the impact of having D changed sex for both of us, but the thing is we NEVER talked about either of these topics. For me it was never intentional to not to. I can confidently say that I would have done ANYTHING I could to make our MR better, but I can't read minds. The silent treatment...meet with IC today will be interesting to get her take on it. Will just Mike Damone on along...
V, thank you..I think it's still tied to me taking my ring off and her beliefs of my imaginary women. As I say you wonder how long a person can carry on such anger via passive/aggressive. It's her trying to be abusive, but why? You are free of me now...
Ballast- Your story rings true with me and alot of people here when you state the difference in sex drives. The not wanting to talk about that or the avoidance of conflict and then the LBS having to mind read because of lack of communication. To top it off with knowing that we would all have done anything to make our MR better. As I have been reading here -there's a good possibility that we may never get the answers we want so we must focus on what we can control and that us. To that I hope things work out for you either way.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Wlf was not really saying our drives were different simply that we did not tell each other what our needs were. D changed our lives and we were not prepared for th impact. I truly believe we can address many of the underlying issues IF we both want to. I do, she does not so far. Sadly that may be the way we end and there is nothing I can do. I wish you nothing but the best in your sitch as well.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/07/1812:04 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
