Affair discovered 2

[sandi2]

I felt jealous and anxious when she talked like that, but I thought I shouldn't make a big deal of it so I didn't talk about it. That's how I approached all conflicts or negative thoughts/resentments towards my wife, and I think that's why I ended up emotionally abusing her, because I didn't know what to do with those feelings I thought I wasn't supposed to have about her.

can you explain how you abused her emotionally?

Quote:
When you mentally picture confronting your W about her affair, what do see her doing.......or what are the results of this confrontation? This is not a trick question, so I hope you'll answer it. I think it is important.

If she doesn't just flat-out deny it or walk away saying "I don't have to tell you anything", I think she will get angry and spew at me. I think she would try to justify the affair with her belief that we don't have a marriage and never did, and that she should not be shamed for wanting something better than our relationship which has been so damaging to her. My therapist has been trying to get me to stop worrying about what W will do and just act in accordance to my values. Have I answered this question well enough?

IDK, b/c I still don't know what it is you wish to gain by confronting her.

The harder question to answer which my therapist asked me is, what do I hope to gain from confronting.

That was actually what I was wondering, but I stated it poorly.

I answered that I would just gain some self-respect and feel able to stand up for myself. I think I want to not be in a powerless position in the MR anymore, playing the role of the unforgivable abuser. But wanting to take back power is the kind of thing an abuser would do, which has me unsure of myself like W has me in a double-bind. That's the real thing I want, is clarity and confidence in these situations that I am acting from my core value, not just making power-grabs. That's what I hope to learn from the Stosny book.

Is that what the counselor told you? That you were an unforgiving abuser? That counselor used some very harsh words and they took a heavy toll on you. Did this counselor have IC sessions with your W before ever having a joint session?

Do you see yourself as a man who abused his W, or are you learning from the book you mentioned? Again I have to ask........how did you abuse her emotionally.