She knows I've been reading...

[sandi2]

She's got a lot of heavy reality to deal with, and it's coming very, very quickly.

Actually, that's a good thing........if you won't try to rescue her. It's called tough love b/c it hurts to see our loved one go through unpleasant times........but if it is the result of their own doing, they have to endure the consequences. If they are rescued every time, they won't learn and won't change.

You don't have to convince us that you are good person. Being a good man is not the same as having NGS. Learn about NGS and know the difference in doing things b/c they are based on your values and principles.....from doing it out of fear of retaliation or rejection, etc. I also encourage you to google male dominance in MR. It's not what some people think when they see those two little words. BTW, I am not saying you have an issue with either, but reading it should enlighten you.... if you do have a problem.

But I'm not her doormat, and all I expect is honesty and effort to prove that she's worth my time...because to me, she absolutely deserves to be treated with love. And she had that, and she can absolutely have it again if she wants it.

I'm really glad to hear you say you aren't spineless and not her doormat. I just want you to understand that this is not going to be neatly wrapped and tied up that easily. It's going to take much, much longer than you ever dreamed. It's going to get worse. You will want to give up. In order to keep going in a positive direction, you need to seriously consider making changes.

Before you can save your M, you've got to save yourself. Look at this time as boot camp. It's demanding, but if you'll follow the instructions, you will be able to handle almost anything that comes at you. Are you up for the challenge?

You may need to retrain your thoughts and attitude. Instead of focusing on everything your W says & does, or seeing yourself as defeated, focus only on what is best for you or your son at the time.........don't make it all about her. You will need to practice letting go of your need to control your W. Let go of trying to control her life......her decisions, her thoughts, her needs, etc.

Stop thinking of her as your W. See her as a woman you don't know, don't share history, and you aren't trying to share a future. Currently, your main focus points are (1) being a good father; (2) protecting your welfare, emotions & self esteem; (3) getting/building a life that does not depend, include, or connect with your W.

She is the only person that I've ever been in any kind of R with that made me feel free to be myself. And I miss that feeling.

Can you be free to be yourself......apart from her? I think it is very important to be able to be yourself with or without that relationship in your life. Naturally, you had rather have it, b/c you love her......love being a family.....and you miss it terribly. ((hugs)). The men I have seen come through this hell successfully, are those who learn how to be happy with themselves (independent of another person), and who let go of their W. That's not to say they give up all hope of ever reconciling......but they stop focusing on the W and fretting over the sitch.

I'm wondering if she didn't want me at the appointment because she was going to try to address some of her own issues, but wasn't comfortable talking about them around me because she'd be afraid that I'd use them against her...?

It usually has very little to do with what the H imagines. It's best if you don't dwell on all the possibilities, b/c it is wasted energy. Just know that you did the right thing by making the appointment yourself. If she decides to really fight you on this, then expect to find the child asleep or not dressed and ready for the appointment, or they may be gone when you arrive. Does the child need to be there? I thought this was a doctor's consultation with the parents.

Now I feel like I'm doing the right thing...but at what cost?

This appointment with your child's doctor is not about your W. If she can't be rational and put her anger aside long enough to do what's right for him........then why would you even question?

Honestly, I'm worried about her well-being right now. And I know that's her battle to fight. I'm wondering if she was going to talk to the psychologist about her problems, and wasn't ready to talk to me, and wondering if I messed that all up. Because she really DOES need to do that.

If this meeting is regarding the child, I'm sure the psychologist will keep the focus on him.....and not your W. But what if she did talk about her problems? So what! She is not going to open up to you. And even if she did, it would not fix things. She can talk to anyone & everyone...,..and there is nothing you can do about it. You know it, on an intellectual level, but you don't want to accept it emotionally. This is part that letting go I was talking about. Just let that stuff go.

She has fired you, b/c she doesn't want you for a H. Therefore, her well-being is none of your business. I know you still love her and you are very concerned about her. I'm just trying to tell you that you have to retrain the way you see her and how you think about this sitch. DBing is learning how to detach. I will try to copy & paste a short description, if I can.

DB is absolutely the most difficult thing I've ever done. I just wish that I could see results faster...and I know I have to be patient. Ugh

It depends upon what you see as "results". Just b/c she is not doing what you identify as results, doesn't mean things are not working together behind the scenes. She is on a different time table from you. It is going to take a long time before you see the type of things you identify as positive results. Unless you change how you think and cope with things connected to her, you are going to wear out. Do you know the name of your biggest enemy? It's called Blakmac.

((hugs))