My little daughters deserve a happy home, help!

[25yearsmlc]

**I keep giving him credit for who he was before the BD and try telling myself he is in a bad place and I need to be patient. But I need to stand my ground and stop buckling under pressure. I will definitely work on that, thanks LoneWlf.**


yes, you are looking at who you saw in the past and not seeing who he is now. Join the club. I speak from experience, which is not to say it's fine for me to project my situation onto yours. I'll try to balance it all, but hope you can hear my hard learned lessons.

It's important not to accept the unacceptable - let alone based on their potential as spouses. My children all have expressed to me that they used to be more frustrated with me for putting up with abusive behavior, than they were at X for doing it. They had written him off already but thought I at least could see the light.

After reading the ranting manifesto X sent our kids last month, and his version of our marital history, which I KNOW to be factually false, I'm better able to depersonalize X's choices AND I can much better see my children's point of view.

X drove across the (family) car across a corn field and right off a cliff.

Maybe what my T told me after she read the manifesto, (in which HE "bled" for us and listed terms for the kids to have a relationship with him, and blah blah blah) will help you with an analogy.

T said "You recall your X and m when it was like Hawaii. Lush and green and comfortable.

But now it's spewing lava. You have to get away from the lava or you & your kids will be burned. Try to stop looking back to see if it's a lush green island again. The lava is still flowing."


If you were to describe "Abuse" to someone else, abuse which did not include violence, wouldn't someone raising their voice or making demeaning remarks, or cursing or criticizing someone for something trivial or invalid, or a combination of these, count?

I don't use the term loosely. And he did it in front of your D3.

What boundaries do you have, at least internally? Do you think your h will respect you more or less, if you allow those boundaries to be crossed?

I operated under the illusion that my X would "See the light" and how my loyalty to him and our m, would be rewarded in time.

Because we were once very happy (I found a love letter of his to me, from year 11. I am glad I found it, so I know that reality existed).

X's potential to return to his old self was what kept me accepting the unacceptable for far too long.

D28 told me that she "tends to go for unavailable people" in dating, and that she's in T now.

Says it relates to the dynamic she saw in our m the past few years, and X's unavailability as a parent as she was growing up. Sometimes we stay in a M even when it's really hard, for the kids. I don't think that is unreasonable. Sometimes you leave for the kids, though. And that's not unreasonable either.

Anyhow, figure out what your boundaries are, and what you think you can do to enforce them. If you actually do not have any boundaries you are wiling to enforce, talk to someone about that, and what you are fighting for.

With a 6 month old baby, it's awfully hard not to let fear keep you stuck. And I get that.

Food for thought.