Ballast, of course you are allowed to have off days, that's part of what these forums are good for is venting and letting it all out when you're having a crappy day!
Originally Posted By: ballast
Also I think too much which tells me that while I do not engage W, I am not detached as I need to be.
Yes and yes. But it comes with time. My mind spun like a damned whirligig all day and all night for months. I remember laying in bed more than once just thinking to myself that I wished I could flip a switch to turn my mind off because I was driving myself crazy. But there is no switch, it's more of a rheostat that sloooooowly turns down over time. DB'ing is as much about being patient with yourself as it is with your WAS.
Quote:
Best I can say on my faults is that after our D would go down for the night instead of retiring with my W, Id watch sports or use the computer or work on my car.
How dare you behave like a normal person! Seriously though, guess what. If you had spent all that time doting on your W instead, you'd probably have gotten a BD earful about how "clingy" and "desperate" you are. Most of us get BD'd at the end of a pretty normal and uneventful marriage that many others out there would kill to be in. Why? There's the rub. There is no "why". Why did my ex tell me in tears that I needed to take care of my health because if anything ever happened to me she wouldn't be able to survive, and 6 months later was BD'ing me telling me she was just done being married? The answers lie on a different plain of existence, LOL!
Quote:
The W I had as a person I fell in love with was what I cherished most in my life. To feel like she is gone now replaced by someone else and I can not directly interact with her leaves me unspeakably sad sometimes.
Of course it does. It's not a lot different then grieving for a loved one that has died. Some (me) might argue it's harder in fact.
Quote:
And Stander I wouldnt question anything is possible. Just hard to see from my current aperture my friend.
Believe me, I get it. But here's the thing, hope is a wonderful feeling. When you have hope, then anything is possible. I started out feeling like recon was impossible and I was defeated before the race even started. But then I said you know what, even if the odds are against me I AM GOING TO BEAT THE ODDS. I became convinced that I would eventually recon. That hope had me waking up happy each day, secure that I COULD turn this around. Once hope blossomed inside me I found everything easier to do, I started enjoying life again. I became a positive force to everyone. I hoped and hoped and hoped until one day I realized I was no longer hoping for recon, but just hoping to live a better life and be a better me. The irony is the hope for recon is what drove me to recovery, and when I recovered recon didn't even matter anymore. I can't stress enough what a powerful force hope is, people come here with zero hope and it is hard to turn them around on that but you do have EVERYTHING to hope for. HOPE FOR RECON!!!!! Why not? What do you lose by having hope? NO ONE CAN TAKE HOPE FROM YOU!
Quote:
I was thinking about sitchs that resolve prior to a divorce specifically in my case within a year given my W seemingly hell bent countdown clock.
The example I gave you is a real life example from a good friend who helped me through some of the most difficult parts of my sitch. Again I'm telling you to avoid the "stinking thinking", why not focus on positive stories like my friend's instead of negative ones? You could be reconciled in a couple of years like my friend enjoying great sex and closeness like never before, or you could be divorced and enjoying great sex and closeness like never before with someone new like I am!
I KNOW you are going to emerge from this bigger, better, bolder, stronger, more independent. The trick is getting YOU to know it
