Originally Posted By: Jim1234
25, a couple of things you've said resonate.....

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

I believe x has learned nothing useful or healthy since we parted ways. I believe he's spending energy avoiding the damage he directly caused and the collateral damage is something he cannot face either.


Jim, we release them to their journey, even if they drive thru a cornfield and off a cliff.


We had lunch a little while ago to talk about the divorce, and she told me about her problems. It was all I could do not to point out to her that virtually all of her problems are caused, at least indirectly, by her decision to file and move out. It would have gone in one ear and out the other, though.


I've mentally written empirically verifiable arguments to my X as to what he has done to our children, and assets, to counter his insane rantings. I wanted to point out that EVERY single complaint of his, was DIRECTLY caused by HIS SOLO choices, all of which were made over my objection...

but the reality is that he will NOT slap his forehead and see the light. At least not due to anything that I say to him.

Congrats on your restraint b/c if X had uttered the ranting in my presence, I would not have done as well as you.




Finally, one more point.

I read an article about how to see our new R's (and what we ought to have had in our marriages).

It's the "F--k YES!" factor.

So when I date a man, I don't want to date someone who seems on the fence, or frequently has doubts about his feelings or our R.

I want, and now require a man who says "F- YES!" when asked if he and I ought to spend time together. Not forcing a marriage, by any means.

But I refuse to spend my remaining time on earth wondering where I stand with someone who should freaking know & show it with some gusto.

Do you believe that you deserve this?

This part of your post made me think a little bit. I'm not sure I want someone SO enthusiastic right now. I think if I am going to bask in their "F YES"ness, that I should be considerate of their wanting to spend time with me. I don't WANT to have to be concerned with their feelings. Maybe I'm being very selfish, I don't know, but I just broke it off with a great woman who felt that way about me. She wasn't my priority, and after a while, it just felt like I was using her.
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2 things. On one hand, I suppose my premise is that I feel similarly and don't want to have to "win" someone. My view of their feelings matters b/c I'm not up for a guessing game IF there's going to be a relationship.

But I think your scenario is more that your feelings did not match hers and
the disparity between you two, bothered you. And I get that.

IT can be uncomfortable and it can feel like pressure, or as if you are using them.


With your new found freedom, when you want to go to the museum, and he wants to go to the ball game (and you really don't), which are you going to choose to do[/color]?





So far, there are dates which he plans, and which have consistently been great, because i think he's planning them that way. Valentines and seeing live theater are such dates. He really put thought into it (and even if I had not liked it, the thoughtfulness that went into it was very charming to me.)

When we want to see a film, usually it's M that picks 3 he'd like to see, and I choose one of those.
We occasionally reverse that, but I'm consistently happy with his choices thus far. He also probes about what mood I'm in for a film.

And if I really did not want to do something, but he really really did, I'd have to actively dislike it not to do it. I mean, it would have to offend me, I think.

It's just not a contest to me about who decides more, as long as I know my opinion was factored in.

M wanted to take dance lessons with me and at first I thought it was a great idea. In fact I may have suggested it, come to think of it.

But X and I danced for all of my adult life and X is a great dancer. (Maybe the best one I know. Unfortunately).

Dancing was very erotic and romantic for me/us to do. I cannot replicate that with anyone, anytime soon. And I don't want to feel like we are imitating or that I'm trying to recreate something from my past with a new man. (Indeed, I'm positive it's what X is doing with his "new replacement family" and it's very needy and false, to me, frankly.) It's as if I'm "plugging in" the substitute and moving on without really SEEING that it is what I'm doing.

In time, I think this will change. I WILL dance again! I already did at 3 weddings. But to take lessons with a new guy, to focus on dancing with a new man who does not know me that way, is something I'm not yet ready for.

Maybe that's what tips us off about what we are really ready for.

For about a week now, I've been feeling very hindered in my ability to fully love.

Distrusting myself more. So, I'll let that settle some, and see how I evolve.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change