Thank you guys for your support. Ive been staying off the boards the ast couple weeks because sometimes reading all the posts gives comfort, but sometimes it serves as a painful reminder of all the possibilities.
I think I finally know what it feels like to be detached. When I first started feeling like that, it felt more like just not wanting to stand anymore and being ready to move on. I still kind of feel that way, but I now am realizing that regardless of how I feel now that my feelings can change based on the circumstances. I just know that I do not want to live with things how they are now. I need a change. For now that could be W moving out, later it might mean reconciling. Reconciling now is not possible due to Ws feelings and behaviour but I have no idea how it would be differrent if she actually wanted to try. I may not want to but I also realize Im viewing that possibility with her in the mindset she is in now.
Recently I started thinking about what it would be like to be with someone who just loved me for who I am now without needing me to change. It made me think about all the backbending and mental gymnastics Ive done in the last 18 months to try and make her happy and it made me sad. Relationships take work but I feel like I deserve to be with someone who loves me and wants to be with me for who I am.
W decided that it would be good to tell the kids about her moving out a few minutes before we left for her dads lake house on Memorial day. I have no idea how that seems like the right time to drop the bomb on them. She has compartmentalized everything to a degree that she thinks this seperation is only going to affect her and I. The kids took it OK at first, but Ive noticed their disapproval in their actions over the last week.
Ive also started noticing Ws behaviour more and seeing it for what it is. Being more detached allows me to see the depression and insecurity in the things she does. She is broken in a way that I had a hard time seeing before. As adamant as she is about moving out, she is dragging it out. She is still living at home while looking at houses periodically. She is also taking the kids to look at houses as she wants them to help her pick it out. They seem reluctant to do that. I even told her that I didnt think it was good for her to have the kids help her pick out the house she was leaving their father for. She didnt like that comment but I really didnt care at that point what she thought.
Im not feeling so depressed anymore but I still feel sad about my family and indifferent towards W. Mornings are hard because I end up dreaming about W and waking up feeling anxious. After a few minutes I get my head back on straight but I hate waking up that way. I know change is on the horizon, just wish it could get here already. I hate the limbo.
Oh, and I'm in north texas, Gerda. I appreciate the standing group offer. If that wasnt a 5 hour drive Id totally join that group.
