Moving Forward - Continued

[Davide]

Benito,

Thanks again. You are correct that I am just a beginner in this. That is why I turn to the sage advice of you and Maika, and V, and everyone else who has put in the time and effort and can tell me how much more patience and discipline and focus on myself that I need.

I dont think that I am kicking and scratching to hold on at this point. I certainly havent reached the level of detachment that you guys have. I am working on it. My trip should help. My future isn't squashed - it is more wide open and optimistic than it has been in years. I am sad and lonely but I also feel unshackled from the chains of depression and low self-esteem, and I see a path forward that I havent seen in many years.

I disagree about the memories. My wife has been consistent before and after BD - our love was real, she really loved me, and she loved the beautiful moments we shared together. You are right that a certain point the relationship curdled under the weight of depression and codependency and a disconnect happened. If I look back and try to be fair about it I would say that the first 5 years the R was working well, that it was just in the last 3 that the wheels started grinding.

I don't think that matters in terms of what I do now though. Everything you said is spot on. I am working on myself, focusing on being the best man I can be, first and foremost for myself and secondarily so that I can be ready for a healthy relationship with her or anyone else. It is real. It is not a show for her, or a stratagem.

Thanks again!