Thanks for sharing that. Sometimes we all need a big ole injection of hope!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thought I'd drop by for a quick update. Weird how uneventful and serene and, well, almost boring everything seems when you are in a MR that is "working" and when you are NOT fighting against a WW and an affair. Not that i'd go back for anything, mind you, but it's just, IDK... Being at "DefCon 1" for almost 16 months you kind of get used to that being the norm. Maybe a little like combat vets coming home from war? (though obviously on a much less intense scale.)
Anyhoo, we continue to move forward as an apparently happy couple. W still says at least every two to three days something to the effect of "I'm so sorry for what i put you through" or "I'm so glad you forgave me for what i did" or "I'm so glad you put up with all my crap" (Though i still reminder her on the latter that i didn't really "put up with her crap" in that for a significant amount of that time i didn't really know what was going on with the A or how serious it was or, in the case of the ongoing phonecalls between 8/17 and 4/18 that they were even occurring and that once i did find out... I walked. To which she responds "I know... i just mean that you came back to me once you did know" usually followed by "I don't deserve you" or something like that.
So, she definitely seems to be over the affair, and for the most part over the waywardness. She does all sorts of loving things for me... brought me coffee in bed yesterday after i was slow getting up and mumbled something about having a headache. Always wants to hold hands or lean into me when we're out or even at home (And in front of the kids, to boot, which she actually giggles about because the kids wonder what's up with us having never seen us this way). She's no longer shy around me physically, either about touching me or about letting me see her naked, which she was VERY sensitive about during the A. We text and flirt and talk about the future etc. etc.
She also got mad at me for the first time about something two days ago. Involving one of the boys, she had said something and then i followed up by starting to say something else slightly different and she shushed me and gave me an angry look. To which i just raised an eyebrow and asked "You're shushing me?" This was in the middle of us all getting ready for the morning and it was a pretty hectic morning with S1 going to frst day of work and S2 going to school and his final exams. She called me about two minutes after she left and was like "Hey, I'm really sorry about that. Things were just really crazy this morning... are we okay?" And i said "Yeah" and then we talked a little and it was all good.
Notable: Her BFF has moved to FLA (which is a loooong way from where we live). I let her have her "goodbye" the weekend before last with her and bff and their other friend. I was reluctant at first-- No visits with bff was one of my non-negotiables, though I had said we would revisit after two months, which this was. I had also said if she was going to be in touch with bff that she needed to be completely open about her conversations with her and, in fact, that we both needed to be completely open with each other about our friendships and communications. It actually started with bff getting in touch with me, which i appreciated. Said she wanted to put together a girls weekend at a hotel up here. I talked to W and said "look, you know girls weekends with bff are a trigger with me, and that is ESPECIALLY true up here in our hometown where i know you spent that night in the hotel with OM" (More color on that is that she says she knows that looks really really bad but it was just a case of her being drunk and needing a place to crash because she couldn't drive and that there were two other people in the room and nothing happened). So, we talked about it some more, her reiterating that it was completely over with OM and me reminding her that that was still a very bad memory for me and that her relationship with bff had constantly been used for a cover and i still had concerns about her maintaining that relationship. In the end, however, if this is to work, i can't tell her who her friends can be-- she needs to decide on her own. We called bff and talked to her and made our respective feelings known, and bff proposed they do a "Winery tour" through the central, rural part of our state and then stay at their third friend's house the rest of the time, maybe see a movie together and such. W proposed "Would being in the area also make you feel better? Why don't you drive me down there and drop me off and take boys camping and fishing at that campground nearby..." Long story short, i let her go, saying i appreciated how bff had contacted me and had been copying me on their emails and texts and that bff had in some respects "owned up" by saying "I (she) was not in a good place myself during those months, and am not happy with who i was" and having since herself cut contact with and blocked OM (who apparently kept after her in the days following the last contact with my W).
There was more but, at any rate, W went on the weekend as we discussed. I went camping with boys so i was "in theater". I wasn't completely happy and comfortable about it, but... she needs to make her own decisions here and, for whatever reason, really felt like she needed to see bff before she left. And i wanted to show i was starting to trust her again. She came back with us Sunday, said it was the best girls weekend they had had in a long time because for the first time they were all in a "good place" and that she felt like she could talk fully about what was going on in her life (her MR with me) and how good it was, etc. (Leave aside for the moment that the "good place" her bff is in involves a previously adulterous relationship-- her divorce was just finalized this past week-- with MY best friend's former best friend, who she moved to FLA dragging her three kids along to be near-- but i digress). Funny thing is she has barely spoken or texted with bff since then.
We haven't had any sessions or MR talks in nearly three weeks, and i am thinking it wouldn't be a bad idea to touch base with the MC. We went on our trip and then W had birthday and then MC had a death in the family so three weeks just... slipped by. Now we are embroiled in some "around the house" craziness as we prepare for the influx of family coming to see my S2 graduate HS..Not that there is anything "Wrong" per se but... I still feel we need to touch base. I for one am not "over" the A... not by a long shot. I still think about it and anytime there is any kind of pullback from my wife i start getting nervous. And by "pullback" I don't mean anything big... just the little stuff like where if she doesn't text me during the day (which happened yesterda)... I'm still gun-shy. She also keeps bringing up the past alot and "how can you ever forgive me" kind of stuff, and i think we need to put all of that to bed. Clear the decks and assure each other that we are both in it for the long haul at this point.
On the horizon-- our trip to Dallas in a couple of weeks for a concert she got me for my birthday, followed by family beach vacation a week later. At some point, i want to renew our vows... maybe even with new rings, but trying to figure out best way to approach that.
Me personally, i am doing great. Still keeping up with all my GAL stuff, though now including her wherever she will be included (she is frightfully insecure about her weight-- and she has gained some but still looks awesome-- but doesn't want to go to the gym with me), and really happy with the person i have become. Right now trying to figure out what my... make that OUR... direction will be in retirement. I will be retirement eligible in about three years, but don't want to retire from working. I DO know i don't want to stay in the city we are in... would like to move somewhere more intimate. Also need to find a direction and something to do. Maybe river guide...
Last edited by Cadet; 06/06/1804:11 AM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
hoosjim- thanks for the update and the added hope that you given people like me who are struggling. These success stories almost feel like a breath of fresh air for those that feel like their head has been plunged into water with someones foot on their throat. It is really good to see what LIFE (a relationship with a spouse) looks like again. Stay Well!!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
That SOB (OM) approached my younger son today at school. Son comes home, says: "Oh,hey, i saw Mr. _________ today at school on the way out. He was driving out with his son. He pulled up and rolled down the window and asked how i was doing." So i say "What did he say?" My son: "Just that, and asked how everyone was doing. Asked where i was going to school and when i told him __________ University he said 'oh, hey, that's where my daughter's going, maybe we'll see you up there some time.'"
Me (doing a slow burn): "Okay, son, I'm going to tell you this-- OM is no longer a friend of me or of this family." Son" "Okay, ummm, what's up?" Me: "What's up between me and him is not your concern... that's between me and him. You just should know that sometimes the people you think are your friends, aren't really your friends... some people can't be trusted. You have a good heart, you'll know the difference."
Grrrr... This son of a bitch is never going to be out of our effing lives, is he? Betcha a dollar he's tried to call my W.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Likely if there was any contact between your W and OM he wouldn't have pulled this crap.
Actually Steve not necessarily so. His MO in the past, both when first pursuing my wife and then trying to pursue her again when he started calling her those last few months was to try to cozy up to ME right as he started after her. S2 said that he said "tell your dad 8 said hi" so he is either deliberately effing with me or getting ready to make another move.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
