Thanks Arsh. I think it has to do with accepting that there truly is only one way forward - through the pain, suffering, misery leading to self-discovery. You have to treat where you are right now as a point of no return - the flight has gone too far along the path making it impossible to turn back around and go back to the originating point. You have to continue towards the destination. And that destination is a more grounded life.
As soon as I realized that there was no going back, I accepted that I was going to go through a hard time and stopped avoiding it. Natural instinct is to avoid discomfort. But only by leaning into it, can you make it through.
Yeh, I also have nobody in this country, but some family not so far away, and obviously family back home. One thing that Benito had said in his thread a long time back was - NO HELP IS COMING! Once I really recognized that, it made me approach all of this with more determination.
You can't not take charge of your life. I let life happen to me for a very long time and avoided conflict and buried my discomfort just to please others. I pretty much destroyed myself and who I was in that process. And that process happened over two decades. So, to undo it won't happen in a year. I am doing way better than I thought because of all the help I received here. But, you have to put it into action as much as you can in your context. And that's what I did.
I have a plan until the end of 2018 to accomplish some goals. And then start planning for 2019 in the fall of this year. Just can't let life happen to you any more.
I also listen to great speakers on topics of self-reliance, boundaries, being assertive, and discipline. Discipline has been my biggest issue because I never believed that I could achieve my goals. I know I am smart and intelligent and socially competent, but on the inside, I never validated those things. I always looked for other people to validate me. But, I don't do that any more.
I am not out of the woods yet and it's still a long road. My aim is to come to a place of great equilibrium and groundedness and discipline by end of 2019. I am giving myself extra time because I am finally dealing with all the past traumatic issues from my life, not just BD. And that is at least 20 years worth of stuff. So, it's a massive undertaking.
My key things are having great patience (with others and myself), self-compassion, emotional regulation, not being controlling, and discipline. I am doing good with all of that except discipline, which is my focus now. Once I get that down, nothing can stop me.
I know things are super bleak right now. It's going to get better. I don't know if you're in a position to physically separate from your H, but if that gets on the table, take it and run with it.
