I wanted to take some time before replying. Up front I was panicked frustrated and supremely sad when I made my last post. I am a pessimist, worse case personality with my sitch status and that needs to change. Also I think too much which tells me that while I do not engage W, I am not detached as I need to be. I like to feel with time I am getting better but my prior post shows a relapse. Clearly I was looking to draw blood from myself and speak down on myself, blame myself, etc. Best I can say on my faults is that after our D would go down for the night instead of retiring with my W, Id watch sports or use the computer or work on my car. As we had spent the time while D was up together, I thought I was giving W some needed HER time. Only other fault I can say is that I was not wanting sex all the time. I wonder if I was not aggressive enough and she took that as me not being interested. That was not the case at all. I was very much attracted to her, it was more like a topic in which we never fully told each other our needs.
Feel like saying sorry. I knew I needed 2x4s, but appreciate ACC and Stander giving me some shotgun blasts. The W I had as a person I fell in love with was what I cherished most in my life. To feel like she is gone now replaced by someone else and I can not directly interact with her leaves me unspeakably sad sometimes. And Stander I wouldnt question anything is possible. Just hard to see from my current aperture my friend. I was thinking about sitchs that resolve prior to a divorce specifically in my case within a year given my W seemingly hell bent countdown clock. Tobias thank you as a new commentator on my sitch. My W at least as per my IC opinion is in fear perhaps deep depression and it is manifesting itself in anger directed at me. Who knows if that is true or not. I am far from an expert in human psych to know. At least the plausible possibility the IC is correct helps me to balance my feeling of this whole thing being my fault and place at least equal responsibility for my sitch on my W.
Again thank you all truly! When I get off the rails I appreciate greatly how many of you pull me back on to the tracks!
Last edited by Cadet; 06/05/1801:26 PM. Reason: restored post
I too have engaged in a lot of pessimistic thinking in my days, imagining worst case scenarios. Unfortunately, I think that is in part, what got me to this point in my life. It is not healthy to think like that consistently. It became a drag on my W and my R, and made me act in ways inconsistent with who I really am, and who I want to be. I am currently reading a book titled Self Esteem - I checked it out from the library. I have found it really helpful with managing negative thoughts through specific strategies, and identifying cognitive distortions and finding ways to fight them. You might want to check it out.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Mozza, a poster here kept long lists of repaired R. I personally know of 3 very happy chappies.
It's like a doctor seeing only sick people then saying everyone is ill these days. Ever bought a car and suddenly they are everywhere?
Now let us have a little chat about self talk and stinking thinking. That way lies pain.
To my mind the key is do that which works. So the 180s are for YOU, if something works for YOU then don't change it.
If you sense that you didn't set boundaries or you have poor communication skills then those are the ones for work.
The 180 is a quick and dirty way to get moving, easy for Newbies, X isn't working for you, do the opposite. Sometimes it's a question of adjusting X. The opposite won't do.
Of course you miss W! Google the Kubler Ross cycle, it's how we cope.
Now self talk, this is defo 180 for you. Stop think before you criticise yourself. You can never change the past, what you have is today and only today. You can not undo a single thing you did nor can you change anything you said. You can shift the way you think, no shoulds, musts or have to. Choose instead. It's very powerful, choose is one of the most powerful words in the language we speak. Empowering.
If you find yourself catastrophic thinking or black and white, know it won't help you achieve what you want. Google the STOPP technique.
It's going to be ok.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Best I can say is that I have a few good days and then some bad days so I hope folks can pardon me a bit when those occur. When I have my D all is right with the world, but when I do not...not so much. To be honest if I had my D full time and already knew the status of my future living situation, I would be in a much better shape. The possibility of being a part time father instead of a full time one weighs heavy on my mind. In truth I hate it for my W, my D and myself. It's terrible for us all.
V, thank you! Yes of course you are correct with your analogies. I know all too well that no matter the feeling, a person in need can find affirmation for whatever positive/negative belief/thought/feeling they need confirmation of and as is said here many times those who do R curtail their posting. Clearly positive self talk would be a 180 for me. Given that I have the WHY question with W leaving and no info from her, I have spent a huge amount of time in the past trying to figure it out. Sadly I know that's a no-win situation and I need to force myself out of doing that. I will work hard to utilize choose in my day to day with a today and only today mindset. I have searched on STOPP and will as well add that into the work I need to do on myself. Again V thank you for your counsel and words of encouragement!
Ballast- we all go thru these cycles, there are days that I feel like doing nothing but staying in fetal position to wait for this bad dream to end. To this I try to get moving and plan a active day as to not let my mind wander into the negatives so much. We are all hurting- we all have unanswered questions- we are all wanting whats best for our families. The thing we can do which is in our control is to be mindful and take care of ourselves. Survival 101 be the best that you can be. Stay Well!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Thank you Wlf for you commiseration and well wishes. In a place with such painful experiences described non-stop, it is wonderful to have others supporting you and knowing they are sharing the same difficult circumstances.
ballast hang in there. Roller-coaster ride is the best description for the stages that we scroll through. Hang in there, and know that it does get better over time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Steve! Having patience in this trial is the hardest thing ever. It's like you want to have the ability to impact and move at a quicker pace this process even if it's for better or worse, but you can't and then when you try to learn to accept and utilize the time afforded to you to work on you...truly is a roller coaster with seemingly no end in sight...
Sept. 2014 I had a fight with W and went to my friends house for a couple nights. Thought things would be back to normal in a couple days. June 2018 though recently D she is still living with me. I get the feeling this isn't the final chapter in the story.
You will not believe how fuching stronger you will be when you come out on the other side.
