Honestly, I am not sure much of what my W is doing. She's finishing up her grad degree this month and so I am guessing she's been busy juggling that with work and life the last many months. She is still living alone and I don't know if she's happy or not. I see her for a few minutes every week at kids extracurricular activity, and we exchange some pleasantries, but nothing more really. I truly have no idea what's going on with her. I really just let go and I am honestly not curios or interested in her life. She cut me out of that and I took that decision and ran with it.
I am not surprised she hasn't shown any signs of recon. She's very stubborn, has high levels of anxiety, is conflict-avoidant, and has self-esteem issues. Something major happened in her life and it took her 3 years to tell her parents because she was afraid how they'd react. I told her and her siblings told her it was going to be fine, but her anxiety was so high that she couldn't do it.
My assumption is that she thinks I am cutting her out of my life, which has been my strategy with people who have abandoned me or betrayed me. Unfortunately, this scenario has happened with me in relation to some very close people in my life and I built that instinctual reaction since very early age.
She would have to do some deep soul-searching and come up with more assertive and confidence skills to even attempt recon with me. Honestly, if she did that, it would be a 180 for her and at least give me an indication that she's made some improvements. Not enough, but at least a start.
To be honest, I don't see that happening any time soon. She hasn't sought help from IC and she really needs to. I am doubtful that she'll take the initiative to do it because of her anxiety and she had told me one time that she doesn't need it.
About D - I am waiting to see if she initiates it. I am sure she knows the rules around it and our separation period of 12 months is over by the end of June. If she doesn't initiate it, then I plan on doing so. I will give it until the end of July and then assess what to do.
The only reservation right now I have about dating is that I know that I am not ready. Also, I feel that I need the D to have some mental closure and then step out in the dating world. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I find it ethically icky to start dating while still legally married, even though we've been separated. I don't think I would be able to honestly be myself and have the single mindset if I was still attached, even by a piece of paper.
One of my married girl friends joked with me about the dating scene. I told her my take on it and she's like - you'll be surprised how many women don't care about your separated status to go on a date with you. That kinda took me aback. I realized that I am not going to date a woman who doesn't care about that. I want to date women who are confident and know their needs and non-negotiables, and are able to be upfront about it. I know this is a nuanced conversation, but it came across as a woman devaluing her needs to date whoever comes her way - I definitely don't want that.
I am pretty good socially and can connect with women. I am very good at connecting with women - grew up in a predominantly female household and some of my closest friends are women. I have my male friends too, but I've never had issues with friendship with women, but I was pretty bad at the dating thing since I always had low self-esteem. Well now, things have changed and lets see.
Yes, I hail from a part of S. Asia. Both my parents abandoned me at a very young age, so they've not played any role in all of this. My close family, some of whom are the closest thing I've had as parents, have been very supportive and caring and just helped me with my tough days. Unfortunately, they are far away so it's only through phone calls, but it's still something rather than nothing. Where I am at, I am pretty much by myself.
I still have ups and downs, but not as intensely or all the time. My detachment is getting better.
I was recently out with my work team and I finally told some men in upper management about my situation - we get along really well, but I didn't want to spill the beans in a professional setting until I was grounded and ready. They all looked at me and said - 'you're going to have no problem finding a phenomenal woman', and then talked about great characteristics I have as a man. I've also helped one of them improve some stuff about his marriage from what I have learned here too. So, it was really interesting to get male affirmation about this. And it was genuine, not some dudebro thing where guys just tell you to go get laid and get over it. They genuinely looked up to me as a man and how I carry myself.
So, I am doing pretty good. I know my value and what I bring and I know my flaws very well now too.
