New Year, new thinking..

[Coly23]

[AndrewP]

[AndrewP]

Coly - press the "Quick Quote" button to see my response.

[Coly23]

[Coly23]

Nope still not working!

[Coly23]

Sorry everyone, if you want to read my post hit the quick quote button!

Thanks for the visit AP and for telling me about the quick quote button! I feel guilty because he has kind off just run with it and sorted everything out but I also do feel very uncomfortable. I have thought about why and I have come to this conclusion:

H has never really explained to me the reasons why he fell out of love with me. Therefore I feel that every time we have any contact I might do something inadvertently which makes him feel justified. For example I accept his money to pay for the oven service and he thinks I'm still quite needy and that could have been the reason why he does not love me.

I hate feeling this way.

Anyway, I am not going to take him up on his offer. I'm just not going to mention it to him again and if he says anything I will say that I have already paid it!

Phew!

[job]

RESTORED POSTING FOR COLY.


Thanks for your comments Job! Trying not to read anything in to it but it's hard!

Journaling: Struggling with indecision today and I don't know why. On Sunday when I turned the oven in to part cook some of the BBQ food it kept tripping out the electrics in some areas of the house. H pulled the cooker out to see if it might be a faulty socket but it looked like we would need an electrician. I called my Dad to see if it was something he could help with but he thought it could be a burnt out element so I would need an oven specialist.

When H got home on Sunday he texted to say that he is still paying for home care insurance on the house, which I didn't realise, and would get an electrician out to make sure it's not the electrics. Because I was away today he offered to come over to the house and let the electrician in. Turns out my Dad was right so we need to get a oven specialist in. H texted me to say he organised for someone to come over on Friday morning and he will again wait in if I can't. That's okay but he has also offered to pay for the basic service and any repairs that might be needed for the oven.

Why am I having such a difficult time with this! He is trying to help by offering to pay but all I can think of is that I don't want his money! Why would he want to pay and keep offering to take time out to sit in our house if he doesn'T want to be part of our family? This isn't something that a neighbour or friend would offer to do. This is more of a family thing. I am so confused and it's making me feel anxious and stressed. Should I just accept graciously?

I don't want to seem ungrateful but don't want to also make it look like we are happy having the sort of relationship of a kept woman!!

[Coly23]

Thanks so much Job! X

[Ginger1]

Oh Coly, I hate to see this cycle. It keeps happening. You reach out in a friendly gesture, he reciprocates with a friendly gesture, but his sends you spinning.


Your extend your friendly gesture hoping he can see what he is missing. he extends his friendly gesture without the intentions of it being anymore, and it upsets you and rightfully so. "If he can do husbandly like things, like take care of an electrician, why can't he just be your husband!?!"

Correct me if I am wrong, but when I was still attached, that's how I felt. It's not wrong. It doesn't actually feel good when you are still attached.

It seems to be how he operates. Doing these things for you probably absolves him of guilt in his eyes.

So, I guess you can stop with the friendly gestures which you hope will lead him home, or you can take them for face value along with his reciprocations, or you can kindly tell him you have everything handled and you would prefer he doesn't do it for you.

There are options. You need to find the one you are comfortable with that won't send you spinning.

And maybe he never gave you a reason for leaving because it has nothing to do with you? Just putting it out there.

Hugs.

[Rita]

Coly, I read your thread last week and just kept thinking about it. The lovey text followed by the husbandly behavior of assuring you he could take care of things. It reminds me a lot of how my H rollercoasters, except I have not received a sign of affection for more than 5 years.

Reading your posts, I saw your H so clearly in a deep spiritual battle, seriously battling the two forces at work his heart -- good and evil, that is. He is confused, and that is a good thing! (It's way better than the monster and the certainty that he wants to get as far away as possible -- I mean, if you want to keep yourself open to restoration someday.)

I don't know if you are hoping for restoration, but when I read your thread I kept thinking that on a deep level, one he is not even be conscious of right now, he wants to take care of you and is aware of a deep tie to you. My H does this too -- he will have a burst of helping and calling himself my husband and then he will disappear. But I don't have the same response as what folks here are advising or what you decided to do. I take care of myself and live my own life, but anytime he shows initiative in taking care of us or anything like that, I accept with total openness and as much kindness as I can muster. I try to show him that I admire and respect his efforts, if there is an opening for me to do that.

These guys are broken wrecks and feel worthless. I see the point of setting boundaries, of course, but I don't see the point of forcing yourself to harden your heart so much that you can't accept kindness or allow them to feel worthy of doing something good for you. In fact, I see this as a slavery. Ultimately, my H may never come back, I know that, and I know that nothing I do can make him come back or love me again. But I don't want to be enslaved by bitterness or hardness of heart or anger or unforgiveness either. It's very hard sometimes not to, because when your heart stays open, it feels raw, and it can hurt a lot more. But ultimately every time I choose this way, I have peace and every time I choose to have a hard line, I become way more anxious. I think you can have boundaries that will help you heal and set some limits on certain behaviors (e.g., monstering or talking about OW), but if you can stay open and accept kindness without ever asking for it, I think you will be the one to feel liberated. Kept woman?! What the heck?! You are not a kept woman! You are his WIFE! There is nothing disgusting about your relationship, you can't be sullied by his bad choices.

I get it, I felt this way at times too. But it's not a fog you have to stay in.

I hope that makes sense and isn't too forceful. You'll see if you read my posts that I do struggle with confusion about what to say/do in many instances, mostly about finances because my H is so irrational and unreasonable about that. But I am in this standing thing for God, and so I try to keep my eye on the true freedom that I want, which is freedom from hatred, despair, hardened heart, etc, no matter what my H does.