Hello and welcome. Please read DR as soon as you get a chance, it'll give you a lot of insight into why your M ended up where it did and what you can do about it. First please understand that it probably took your W months or even years to get to this point and there is no "magic trick" that's going to "put things back to normal". There is a good chance of saving your M but it is a lot of hard work and takes a lot of time- many months or even a year or more.
Your story is all too familiar to many of us. My ex was approaching 50 when I was BD'd and my story is similar to yours as far as our M being on autopilot, us fighting very rarely (maybe half a dozen times in 20 years), her going through menopause triggered by a partial hysterectomy, her feeling like she always took care of the kids and just needed some "her" time for a change. In my ex's case she became a completely different person, transformed into someone I didn't even recognize. Not mean or angry or anything, just different. Different interests, different focus (more on herself and being independent). So you're not so much trying to save your old M, but rather adapt to your W's new personality and work on yourself to perhaps attract her to a new M with a new you.
I will say that reading your sitch about you being unemployed for so long and turning to video games and such that it sounds like you've become VERY beta and were very dependent on her. That is not at all attractive to women, they are attracted to alpha qualities. So get in shape, lose weight if you need to, spruce up your wardrobe, wear cologne, get your hair styled. Get out and GAL. Become strong and independent. Try to get a job somewhere. Get busy. I understand your finances are limited but do what you can.
Originally Posted By: Hornsfa
My W agreed to meet with my counselor last week. Today learned she will not talk to him again, and that couples counseling is not on her agenda anymore. She wants a D but has not filed...
Don't pressure her for counseling. Don't talk to her about the marriage AT ALL. Just pull back and give her time and space. Listen when she speaks, don't talk yourself. Just listen and validate what she says. Remove all pressure and most of the time the WAS will stop pursuing D. Read Sandi's rules every day! That is your template for how to behave.
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I wrote a letter, went to the house, and read it to her.
I really wish you had found us sooner, DO NOT GIVE HER LETTERS!! No emails, no texts, no calls. Leave her be, right now she wants to be as far from you as possible. This is hard to believe, but she is probably repulsed by you. She CAN get over this but she has got to get over it on her own and on her timeline.
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I then took off my wedding ring, for the first time in almost 17 years, and handed that to her. I turned around and drove back to this extended stay hotel.
Why did you leave the house? She is the one that wants to split, she is the one that should leave if she can't stand being around you.
